Who dis be?
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| A mature, sophisticated, worldly blogger with the face and body of a goddess and the grace of a queen. |
What is this blog about now?
I want to lose, like, 50 lbs.
Why do you want to lose weight?
I'M TIRED OF BEING FAT.
Why are you tired of being fat?
Honestly? I am physically uncomfortable with carrying weight on my arms
and stomach. I honestly don't care about how they look, but I hate the feeling
of sitting down and feeling pressure on my legs from the fat on my stomach
sagging down on them. I also really hate how I feel like my arms ache and go
numb with the fat that's on them. It's exhausting carrying all of this around.
Also, I have Stage 2 hypertension and my doctor said my blood pressure will
lower as I lose weight. I'm all for that.
Are you sure you're not just caving into internalized misogyny and
fat shame?
I probably am. It's difficult to escape hatred coming from internal and
external sources. However, being fat is not the worst thing in the
world to be. I hate when people act like it is. Lots of people
are fine being slightly overweight. When I'm done losing weight I will probably
still be slightly overweight or even obese and I don't even care. I just want
to feel good, be happier, and take good care of myself.
There are a lot of happy, healthy, self-sufficient fat people with great
blood pressure who are strong and amazing. That's just not my story, so I need
to lose weight.
Being fat is not the worst thing in the world? What is the worst
thing in the world?
Having depression. Having panic attacks. Suicidal thoughts.
Self-abuse. Being sick. Mistreating and abusing others. Constant arguing. Food
that doesn't taste good. War. That kind of thing. :-(
You are seriously bumming me out.
I know, right?
Why are you blogging about this triggering and boring topic again?
I will write about whatever I want for as long as I want. I feel better
when I write and when I'm honest. Plus, I rather write about taking good care
of myself and my triumphs and failures than constantly focus on wishing I was
dead or something. I find this topic a little bit triggering and boring, but so
is the rest of my life and I'm not going to end that.
What are you going to do to take care of yourself so your life is less triggering and boring?
I have some ideas! I'm not going to use MyFitnessPal, I'm not joining a
gym, I'm not going to sit around and plan my suicide! I'm not measuring my
body, weighing myself, or eating any diet food. I'm not going to sit around and
worry about things until I'm crazed with fright.
Do you have depression or something?
Yeah, pretty much.
Why?
No idea. I'm just an emotionally uncomfortable most of the time and have
to convince myself every day to keep living.
Why don't you take a pill or something?
I have yet to find a medication that agrees with me. Each time I go through
a year of meds, it's just another disappointment. I've being doing this for
more than fifteen years and have yet to find something that works.
What would you consider "working"?
Not wanting to kill myself all the time, not thinking about killing myself
all the time. Like, a base level of mild depression vs. severe suicidal
depression is all I'm looking for. I've yet to find a pill that will do this
for me for long lasting periods. I'm not looking to have happiness as my only
emotion, I just want the act of breathing in and out to be less
exhausting.
What are you going to do instead?
I'm probably going to a take a lot of naps, drink a lot of water, eat a lot
of plants, and dance around in my underwear. I'll probably screw up a
lot.
Can I watch you dance in your underwear?
No, unless you're going to let me watch you dance in yours. You can send
your videos of this to atoaklandhills@gmail.com
Why bother blogging about this?
My life feels really out of control right now. Plus, I have a lot of
friends who blog and I don't want to be left out. If they can write about
giveaways and Scentsy sales and how much they believe in God and how great their
lives are and photos of them drinking fancy shit with their sexy sunglasses amid
beautiful sunset backdrops, why should I be silent about me trying and failing
at stuff? Am I just supposed to wait until my depression magically gets better
to join in on the blogging fun? Yeah, that's not happening. Time to live my
life now, while I'm technically alive.
What is your fantasy?
My fantasy is to be as happy and beautiful as my eighth grade French
teacher who goes on 10 mile runs then frolics in the daisies with a big smile on
her face. Or to seem as well-adjusted and wonderful as my pastor's wife whose
smile makes everything better for a minute. Oh, and to be internet rich and
famous so I can just be rich and lay about all the live long day while people
tell me how much they love me.
What is your goal?
My goal is to be okay with having depression, to be okay with my life, to
not hate myself for what I've written and done. I want to change myself so I
can change the world. And also to eat a lot of avocados and cheese with my
friends and family.
Ew, avocados?
If you can't accept my love for avocados then we can't be friends.
You're not funny.
Well, you're a rude POS and avocado hater and I made you up for the purpose
of this interview. YOUR FACE IS FUNNY. >:(
