Regardless

I love people.

 

Love is love, but for me, and for me especially, I love regardless of gender.

 

And no this doesn't mean I think I'm special and no I'm definitely not bragging.

 

I have gone almost my whole life without saying it and I'm still not used to admitting it, because it has been a secret of mine since I was at least eight years old for about 25 years or more.

 

I have ended friendships, regardless of gender, because I had big awkward crushes on them and couldn't deal.  And I've cried over it, felt ashamed about it.

 

Regardless of gender.

 

I've tried to kill myself over it, because hello?  More attractions means more romantic rejection or being laughed at and I have had moments where my self-esteem was a mess.  I also have depression, so that didn't help.

 

I don't care who you love.

 

In fact, I pretty much fangirl every relationship my friends enter into and I picture them, both of them, in bed with that person every night, falling in love, getting to know them, making dinner, going grocery shopping, having children or pets, getting bad news, and celebrating life. 

 

I do this regardless of gender, and orientation too.

 

I acknowledge I am a weird, weird, weird girl, but my point is that if I do this then I know I'm not the only one.

 

And if you're reading this, you're not alone in anything.

 

And if you're reading this and don't feel that way, you're also not alone.

 

You can feel how you want.

 

I first saw Greg in 1998, looked into his eyes, and knew.  And ran far, far, far away from him for five years before I came to terms with it, and spent about almost a decade questioning it because I thought I was probably just crazy.

 

And my love is accepted by the majority of people, because who I marry has no bearing on anybody else but us and our families.

 

That is a privilege I have that I want to extend to everyone who has ever felt the insane need to wake up and say good morning to the same person for the rest of their life, to discuss and fight over bills, to complain that they snore, to fight with their families because that happens, to discuss having children or not having children, to pull childish pranks on that person, to ramble on incessantly to that person until they tell you to shut up, and to have so much fun making out with that person that you accidentally throw them off the bed because you're a clumsy ass when you're really excited.

 

Because that's insanity, regardless of gender.  And if you're experiencing that insanity called love, you need all the privilege in the world, and therefore I would not like to keep this to myself at all.

 

Love is a powerful, crazy, wonderful force.

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Picking Up An Exercise Habit

Hi Blog!

I bought these shoes . . .

And this sports bra . . .

And I haven't used them yet!  I'm hoping to use them when I get home from work today for a brief 20 minute jog before I get dressed again and go out with the husband to the Bowie Town Center.

Exercise has been a struggle. Sticking to my food plan is difficult, too, but I think exercise is even more difficult.  I love how it feels when I do it, but I'm out of the habit of doing it!  It feels weird to get up and do it, and no time of the day feels like the correct time of day to go for a run.  Then I realized ... it's always going to feel weird until I make it a habit.

When I went to buy the sneakers at Charm City Run, they had me run on a treadmill to check for pronation. It felt so good to run.  I didn't feel out of breath, or that things were jarring. I felt totally supported, light, and warm!

I can hardly believe that I'm going to run today when I get home. I'm so excited and instead of being afraid of the novelty, I'm going to soak up the newness of it and hope it lasts.

Later, blog!

100 Calories and Starting Over

Hi Blog!

 

Well I got my Britta Pitcher over the weekend and I'm very impressed.  My water tastes so much better coming out of the pitcher.  For the first time I was able to get 4 cups in before I left the house.  It took a half hour to drink it.

 

I took a week off of the plan last week.  I was feeling run down emotionally and physically from my stomach illness and from my job. I turned to comfort food and gained a couple of lbs. As of yesterday I was 220, almost three lbs heavier than when I last weighed myself.

 

I decided to start on a day off, Monday! (Imagine that!) So I got all of my laying around the house eating ice cream out of my system.  I actually made tacos last night with onions and turkey, with the usual fixings.  I look forward to making them again! Greg loved them.

 

I didn't get my outdoor walking stuff over the weekend. To be honest, I cannot imagine working out in the morning.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I am so tired when I wake up and I think it's better that I be gentle with myself in the morning.  However, I would like to workout at work.  I need to start bringing the proper shoes and clothes so I can walk at lunch.  Today, however, I will have to do it when I get home.

 

So, on this diet I can have 100 calories of whatever I want daily (excluding most green veggies, because I can have unlimited green veggies at any meal, including zucchini squash, and whenever I want I can have unlimited cucumber as well as unlimited celery.) One of the worst things in the world to me are those 100 calorie snack packs, mostly because you open the bag and it's a bunch of crumbs.  Ew.

 

I've thought of a few things I could eat instead as a 100 calorie snack. For example:

• 1/4 of a Shopper's Colossal doughnut
• 1/2 of a Blueberry Eggo Waffle with a tbsp of County Crock
• About 16 1/2 White Cheddar Cheez-It Crackers
• About 19 1/2 Reduced Fat White Cheddar Cheez-It crackers
• 8 Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Dorito chips
• 10 1/2 Original Pringles
• 6 1/2 Sugar Free Popsicles
• 2 Regular Popsicles
• 1/8 cup (3 tablespoons) Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream

 

There are a few links to places that show you what 100 calories looks like.

 

Shape - you can have five Hershey's Kisses, or a cup of blueberries, or two mini Twix bars, and more!

 

Men's Health Quiz on what 100 calories looks like.

 

Welp, that's it!  Bye, Blog!

Letters to March and Me on THIS FAB FRIDAY RIGHT UP IN HERE

Hi March 2013,

I know we've just met but this has the potential to be a wonderful friendship.  I know it just by how I spent my first few hours with you, reading snarky 1Bruce1 recaps of the best 8 Sweet Valley High books ever, the ones with Crazy Margo the serial killer who wants to off one of the twins to replace her, while eating an entire bag of potato chips dipped in ketchup.  Our first lunch together was Whole Foods maki, and your first day is Friday, and your first week is a three-day one because I decided that Monday is a vacation day for me.  March, you don't get much better than this.

You and I are going to get to know each other, March, and there may be times where we disagree.  I certainly argued a lot with February, that's for sure. I think we can do better than February, March.

Oh, update, March.  My boss's boss just gave me free cheesecake from some fancy French bakery that just opened up in the mall. It was tiny and it was decadent. I know this is your doing, March.

Dear Self,

Self, I love you so damn much, just as you are. You can believe in God or be a humanist and I still love you.  You can call your Dad or not call your Dad because you haven't heard from him since 2011 and that feels weird, and I still love you.  You can be fat, skinny, healthy or unhealthy, and we're cool. You can have the hots for girls and boys and still be a great wife to your definite one true love Greg and be faithful to him. I know these are things you worry about a lot and I'm here to tell you to give you permission to be the wonderful adult you are.

Self, I want you to feel better than ever.  I don't ever want a time in your life where you can't do the things you need to do because you are suffering.

So here is what I want from you this month.

I want you to wake up and drink a liter of water every morning.  I know you really hate the water at your house, so I want you to go out this afternoon and get one of those filtered pitchers, so you can just pour the water in it and it doesn't taste funky.

I want you to go out this evening and get something reflective to wear on your morning walks.

I want you to start taking morning walks.  It only has to be 20 minutes and it's out of the way for the rest of the day.

I want you to eat bigger breakfasts in the morning.   Your breakfasts need some veggies and more protein because you miscalculated your needs.  I think you'd really dig some mushrooms and chicken and some light cheese in your egg in the morning along with a glass of milk. I think it would be easy for you to follow that up with a hard boiled egg, a piece of string cheese, and a banana three hours later.  I think you could still pull off a leafy green salad with chicken and orange slices for lunch with a tiny amount of oil, and then follow that up with a greek yogurt/stevia/pumpkin butter/wheat germ snack before you go home.  That way when you get home all that is left is a small meal, which means small clean up!

I want to see you cook your dinners on Sundays and pack them to eat for the rest of the week so something is always ready when you get home. I'd like to see you vary up your dinners a little, too. Having salmon, spinach, and avocado with your sweet potato is fine, but it gets boring. It would be nice to make something Greg wants to eat. You have an amazing array of recipes at your fingertips from Erica and from Liz, yet you're not cooking like you said you would. You need to start cooking on Sundays like you said you would so you have dinner options throughout the week so boredom doesn't set in.

To recap self: your chores for this month are cooking on Sundays, eat bigger breakfasts, drink a liter before breakfast, walk in the morning. That way, when you're up late at night eating potato chips, you can get right back on track and continue to be the self I love, guilt-free.

Because there's no need to freak out about potato chips.  They're one of the joys of life.

I'm linking up with Laura for Fab Friday because I'm fabulous.  And even if my blog is just for me, my way of communicating to those who care, I can always use some blogs to read.  Are you a positive person who just wants to show the world all the love inside you?  Well, I need that in my life.  I'm going to be commenting like crazy about that.

Just don't post about GOP stuff or anything about Chik-Fil-A ever and we'll be friends. <3

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