Regardless

I love people.

 

Love is love, but for me, and for me especially, I love regardless of gender.

 

And no this doesn't mean I think I'm special and no I'm definitely not bragging.

 

I have gone almost my whole life without saying it and I'm still not used to admitting it, because it has been a secret of mine since I was at least eight years old for about 25 years or more.

 

I have ended friendships, regardless of gender, because I had big awkward crushes on them and couldn't deal.  And I've cried over it, felt ashamed about it.

 

Regardless of gender.

 

I've tried to kill myself over it, because hello?  More attractions means more romantic rejection or being laughed at and I have had moments where my self-esteem was a mess.  I also have depression, so that didn't help.

 

I don't care who you love.

 

In fact, I pretty much fangirl every relationship my friends enter into and I picture them, both of them, in bed with that person every night, falling in love, getting to know them, making dinner, going grocery shopping, having children or pets, getting bad news, and celebrating life. 

 

I do this regardless of gender, and orientation too.

 

I acknowledge I am a weird, weird, weird girl, but my point is that if I do this then I know I'm not the only one.

 

And if you're reading this, you're not alone in anything.

 

And if you're reading this and don't feel that way, you're also not alone.

 

You can feel how you want.

 

I first saw Greg in 1998, looked into his eyes, and knew.  And ran far, far, far away from him for five years before I came to terms with it, and spent about almost a decade questioning it because I thought I was probably just crazy.

 

And my love is accepted by the majority of people, because who I marry has no bearing on anybody else but us and our families.

 

That is a privilege I have that I want to extend to everyone who has ever felt the insane need to wake up and say good morning to the same person for the rest of their life, to discuss and fight over bills, to complain that they snore, to fight with their families because that happens, to discuss having children or not having children, to pull childish pranks on that person, to ramble on incessantly to that person until they tell you to shut up, and to have so much fun making out with that person that you accidentally throw them off the bed because you're a clumsy ass when you're really excited.

 

Because that's insanity, regardless of gender.  And if you're experiencing that insanity called love, you need all the privilege in the world, and therefore I would not like to keep this to myself at all.

 

Love is a powerful, crazy, wonderful force.