I haven't called my dad this month like I said I would.
I've been thinking about it, and I'm absolutely dying to see him, but homework
has been out of control. At the beginning of my class I would get about
80 problems a week, but they were easy little one step problems. Now that I'm
getting to the end of my class each problem has four and sometimes ten steps.
Sometimes it's taking me an hour per problem, which is frustrating. Well last
night my cousin and Aunt got to see him and now I pretty much have to figure out
my schedule so I can get homework done and see my dad. I haven't seen him in
person since December 2010.
I yelled out, "EW! EW! I HATE YOU!" in the middle of my office
yesterday to nobody in particular. I have misophonia. That is what
happens when you chew with your mouth all the way open and snap your gum around
me and I've come to accept that if I yell at people for doing it and then go for
a walk I feel much better than if I stay quiet and endure it and my subsequent
panic attack. There's no point in feeling guilty for the yelling.
I hate my hair. I feel pretty guilty for hating my hair,
and I feel alone in hating my hair since other people usually respond that they
love my hair. Anyway, I hate my hair and I have a good reason to feel really
guilty about it. My coworker has the most glorious hair I have ever seen and
she's losing it all because she's in the beginning stages of chemo. It's been
falling out all this week and I just feel awful for her.
Can I interrupt this So What? Wednesday and talk about how
much cancer sucks? Because it does. Chemo is a pain
enough, literally, without the added annoyance of hair loss. You're constantly
terrified that you're going to catch an infection that might kill you, you feel
terrible for weeks at a time, and now you have to worry about losing your hair?
ARE YOU SERIOUS, CHEMOTHERAPY? SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU CANCER FOR DOING THIS TO MY
COWORKER. >:(
Let's get back to my hair and saying so what about it.
Despite more important things to worry about like cancer, I am a
shallow person who hates the shit out of my hair right now. I've always
had a love/hate relationship with my hair. Right now I'm growing out a dark
brown color job that has faded to a very icky auburn brown color and it's
driving me crazy. And the brown roots I have growing out look icky, too. I know
I'm supposed to be all grateful and write something that other people would
respond to like, "You have a good point, that's very inspiring." It's hair
though. I feel like I should be allowed to hate it, guilt free. I wish someone
else would tell me that they hate it too and that they had advice on making it
better. It's OK, though, because it's just hair.
I'm not family friendly and like to say all the words on Saint
George Carlin's list. Frequently. I don't even try to be classy and
save strong words for strong emotions. I feel like some people think I'm rude
and don't want to be around me because of it, but I don't really care. I spend
most of my life in a very frustrated state of mind and the last thing I need is
one more worry about why I'm not good enough. One word I'm really trying to
replace though is the word "asshole" with "butt." My pastor's wife sounded
hilarious using the word "butt" as in, "Ugh, Simon Cowell is such a butt!" If
something is hilarious to me, you'll probably catch me doing it. LOL. BUTT. I
just hope people do not equate usage of language with treating people poorly.
It's not my intent.
In conclusion so what if I haven't called my dad, hate my hair, am shallow,
yell at people, and use strong language?
I'm pretty sure the faces I make totally make up for it.
RIGHT????
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