Almost Done My Book Learnin' - Tentative Timeline

Remaining Classes	Title	Credits	Planned Start Date	Planned End Date	Semester
LIBS 150	Library Research	1.00	5/13/2013	6/9/2013	SUMMER 2013
MATH 012	Intermediate Algebra	3.00	6/24/2013	8/18/2013	SUMMER 2013
MATH 106	Finite Mathematics	3.00	8/19/2013	10/13/2013	FALL 2013
CMST 301	Digital Media and Society	3.00	10/21/2013	12/15/2013	FALL 2013
ARTH 204	Film and American Cultural Studies	3.00	Mid Jan	Mid March	SPRING 2014
WRTG 391	Advanced Research Writing	3.00	End March	Mid May	SPRING 2014
PSYC 300	Research Methods in Psychology	3.00	Mid May	Early July	SUMMER 2014
PSYC 301	Biological Basis of Behavior	3.00	Mid Aug	Mid October	FALL 2014
PSYC 354	Cross-Cultural Psychology	3.00	End October	Mid December	FALL 2014
PSYC 310	Sensation and Perception	3.00	Mid Jan	Mid March	SPRING 2015
PSYC 436	Intro to Clinical Psychology	3.00	End March	Mid May	SPRING 2015
PSYC 352	Child and Adolescent Psychology	3.00	Mid May	Early July	SUMMER 2015
PSYC 334	Psychology of Interpersonal Relationships	3.00	Mid Aug	Mid October	FALL 2015
PSYCH 495	Senior Seminar in Psychology	3.00	End October	Mid December	FALL 2015
Total Credits Left		40.00/120

Some of these I've already taken but because I'm transferring schools I have to retake their version so I have home credit.

Face Goop

A year ago Natalie Dee made a blog called STUFF I PUT ON MYSELF and I really love it.  I have been following her stuff for a long time, back when she used to do Q & A advice columns on her Diaryland, (or Dairyland, heh) but then I hibernated from the internet for about two years and lost touch.  She has been blogging on it about once every few weeks and she actually makes her own spectacularly amazing nail polish.  So go Natalie.

Just reading her blog makes me want to go refresh some of the makeup I have here at home, especially since I've been getting into a sort of hygiene groove here.

I used to be a big makeup person when I was younger because I took dance classes and I really hated the stupid blue eye shadow and red lipstick look they made us do for the stage. I wanted to look cool while I was on stage, and blue eye shadow looked really creepy.

All I had to go by was magazines and word-of-mouth as there was no accessible Internet at age 10 or so, but by the time I was in sixth grade I was the mascara queen and I loved it.  Then I made friends with the Mary Kay lady next door, got my hands on that Kevyn Aucoin Making Faces book, and by age 19 I was having all sorts of crazy fun.

Then I turned 21 and I just stopped wearing it except for special occasions like job interviews or picture day or whatever.  I don't know, maybe it had something to do with moving to a basement apartment and sleeping on an air mattress among camel crickets and having a creepy stalker landlady who told people they'd go to Hell for masturbating. I suddenly realized other interests like trying to pay my bills and reading various books that make an appearance when you live without an internet connection.

Then a few years ago I became interested in it again when someone in Ulta Beauty gave me one of those free makeovers and I looked pretty damned spiffy.

This was my Melissa McCarthy movie makeover moment. 

I enjoyed the feeling of the fancy goop on my face and I liked the colors this person chose. I also felt like this was way too much makeup, as I'm not used to so much heavy foundation and while I looked like the photo above, I felt very afraid that I actually looked like this pirate hooker calling for Smee in Disney's Hook:

"SMEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I actually went through a big makeup thing over the last few years where I played with false eyelashes and contouring and all kinds of crazy things. 

I find my relationship with my makeup changes a lot.  I am a confident person who is not only unafraid to show her actual face without makeup, but tends to do so on a daily basis like here, wearing the same shirt:

I am not someone who wears makeup to conceal things like zits or undereye circles. Makeup has always been about theater for me, although lately I would simply be fine with starting to wear a little light makeup, like Natalie Dee's light makeup look, in order to look more put together.  Kind of like how I've been brushing my hair so I don't look insane.

SOME ITEMS I WOULD LIKE TO ACQUIRE AND START USING ON A DAILY BASIS:

Cerave - Facial Moisturizing Lotion - AM SPF 30

-I currently use the PM version and my own oil-free SPF for use on the body, but that SPF is too shiny on my oily face

Revlon ColorStay Makeup Combination/Oily Skin, 1 Ounce in Ivory

-On casual or warm days I might mix this with the Cerave to create my own tinted moisturizer. I currently do not have any foundation at home. 

Urban Decay Razor Sharp Ultra Definition Finishing Powder

-Apparently this goes over foundation to get your makeup to stick to it or something idk.

Fantasea Large Jar 8.5 oz. (Pack of 6)

-Because apparently those neat little jars makeup comes in aren't good enough

Physicians Formula Airbrushing Kabuki Brush 1 ea

-Because every makeup blog or YouTube channel insists you apply things with a kabuki brush, and Natalie Dee recommends this one. She recommends buying two, actually, so when the other one is all wet from cleaning it you can use the other one.

Physicians Formula Blush, Glow & Mood Boosting, Pink 7554 0.24 oz (7 g)

- BLUSH IS TRICKY FOR ME BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO USE IT. I used to use it all over my face and looked sunburned and then when I finally learned how to just put it on cheeks it always had a weird sheen to it and looked strange. I would like to try this one just to see if it's magic and will make me look like I just had sex.

Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion Tube 0.37oz

-Apparently you put this junk under eye shadow to get it not to slide down your face.  That sounds like it could be a concern, what with all the other goop on my face vying for sticking attention.

I have some good lipstick, mascara, and eyeliner that work for me, so I'm not really concerned about that part.

I just wrote this blog as a shopping list, didn't I?  Oh well. 

It's OK

I tested this out on my Facebook earlier and my friends were very patient and supportive, but I want to revise and it post it here too.  I want to live my life honestly.  I don't want my life to look dishonest by seeming hypocritical.  "Oh look at her! She just woke up one day and started eating right and exercising and became happy and perfect!" Haha, no! There is a danger in hiding your false starts and your emotions and trying to make the world think you didn't fight your way to the top like everyone else. And there is a danger in thinking you must always be happy and perfect to be alive.

I said all that to say this.

My life got out of control again.

Gotta love anxiety. It took hold of me full force in December, culminating in me sobbing my eyes out all day Christmas Day because I couldn't handle getting out of the house. I wouldn't say it was my rock bottom or anything, and I did end up eventually throwing on some clothes and hanging out with the inlaws all night.

I got scared.  I didn't know where my life was headed anymore, and I was afraid I was wasting time being miserable instead of living my life, as if it is impossible to live your life if you are not completely happy and thrilled every second of it.

And I said to myself, "OH MAN SCREW THIS." I said this because I have been there before and was determined not to stay like this.  After seventeen years of therapy and medication, I had expected to be fine.

I told myself I would be fine.

I would be fine.

And I told myself all the things I would do daily from now on to turn this around right away. I set all kinds of wonderful goals I found while reading books on nutrition and diseases.  I was determined to beat this and tried to make all the changes at once. I started drinking water, eating a crap ton of vegetables, working out, cleaning, trying to be perfect so I would feel like I deserved to be happy and would have all the answers.  Sure, I knew intellectually that I didn't have to do anything to deserve to be happy.  However, I wasn't in a good place emotionally.

It is a mistake to try to make too many changes at once, and I relearned this lesson quite well. I would usually fall short of my expectations and then spend a lot of time worrying and feeling like I failed.

So I quit. It was not some dramatic action, quitting.  It was so easy to just order pizza, not attend class, go to work with my hair wet, wear the same clothes without washing them, and not pick up after myself. I dropped out of school for a bit, stopped doing my hair, stopped doing laundry, let the house get messy, and went back to trying to eat myself to death.

At first things felt a little better as I shrugged off all of my responsibilities and retreated.  Soon enough, that horrible feeling I felt in December returned full force and ate me alive, without my consent.

I observed it happening in fits and starts.

I would have a panic attack the minute anything changed, like if a friend came by on short notice or if I ran out of milk.

My mom said that she noticed the only time I wasn't a miserable person was when I sang.

My relaxation tapes stopped working.

I let my mind wander and didn't focus on my breathing and worried the whole time.

I still have anxiety.

It will never go away.

I will always have anxiety.

I will always generalize with always and never statements.

I still am in that, "I don't know who I am or what I'm doing or what I believe in or why."


That late twenties-early thirties panic.

That so-called crisis.

This is more than that.

Or is it?

I cannot even write paragraphs as I can only handle one sentence at a time lately or blocks of text.

Is that what defines me?  I'm a letter or a novel?  One extreme or the other?

All or nothing.

I am everything or I am nothing, and therefore I am nothing, right? (Wrong.  I am not nothing.  Nor am I everything.  Nor do I want to be any sort of extreme.)

It was like I was telling myself with every breath that my life is this big dramatic event where each action I take is an urgently high priority and I must be perfect or everything will fall apart.

Sometimes when we are overwhelmed we can fail to prioritize.

On April 15th a family member of mine lost his battle with cancer. He was 72. I sat back and watched my parents fall apart in extreme sadness for a few days.  I just sat and listened in tearful conversations and beautiful words and screaming, to all of the ugliness and the sacredness. And I also sat and watched as a few days later they began the attempt at piecing their lives back together.


I was not ready. I wanted to eat, and keep eating. Chinese buffets. Fried chicken. Macaroni and cheese. Chocolate. Soda. And on and on, while laying around in my pajamas and watching marathons of television.  Through all this, I only gained 1 lb back from my initial weight loss of 12 lbs earlier this year, but my insides were beginning to scream.

A few days later I had heart burn so bad that in the middle of the night I begged my husband to run to the store to get medicine because I was sure I would die. I slept sitting up, terrified that acid would pour into my lungs and that I would asphyxiate. This was the sixth night I had heartburn and the night before I actually had choked on stomach acid in my sleep, burning my throat and mouth.

I made a list of all the things I would do if I felt better and had the chance to be alive the week before all of this happened, as at the time I wasn't exactly thriving. I would like to tell you that it was this big dramatic bucket list like sky-diving or rocky mountain climbing or whatever. Instead it was more like renewing my lease and going back to school and get my oil changed.

More of a to-do list than a bucket list.  Maybe I had learned my lesson about extremes?

I wanted to nurture myself, not with food, but by living.

The beginning of April I began washing my face with honey.  A week later, I began moisturizing.  Last week I began making sure my hair looked good daily, blow dried and styled. This week I began adding sunblock to my routine, drinking my water, and exercising on my lunch break to burn off stress.  The changes became easier. I registered for school.  I even cooked a few times, mostly because there aren't a lot of things I'm allowed to eat while my throat heals that I can keep down besides whole milk, english muffins, scrambled eggs, bananas, yogurt, peanut butter, chicken, avocado, and mushrooms.

It has been a week but I am slowly beginning to get better at taking care of myself. I registered for school. I actually cooked a few meals. I'm drinking my water. I go for walks at lunch. I'm brushing my hair. I'm repeating these things because I'm pretty damned impressed, especially at the hair part.

There are plenty of things I'm still worrying about, but I have to keep telling myself that I am not doing anything wrong and that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be all the things to everyone. I don't have to know if I'm a Christian or an Atheist before I hang out with my church friends or my atheist friends, and I don't have to eat only bananas.

I might not make it and I might relapse again and we might go through this over and over before it takes hold.  That is all part of the process.  I am not afraid.  I'm learning, slowly, to expect it.

But for now I have clean hair.

And a cat!

Getting Cleaner With Raw Honey

Sometimes when people want someone to try something new they do a challenge, whether it is a photo challenge or a blogging challenge and that's fine. That's not me, though, because that can get boring to read and write about.

 

You learned yesterday that I am super lazy, but what I didn't add is that extends to hygiene.

 

I have depression and sometimes that shows up in the fact that I don't take good care of myself. I neglect my hygiene, sometimes severely.  The only thing I seem to keep up with is facial hair removal, specifically eyebrows.  Other than that, I don't wear makeup, I rarely shave, sometimes I only wash with water, and sometimes I don't wash at all.  I certainly don't moisturize or exfoliate, and therefore have icky skin that powders out when you tap it.

 

My usual beauty routine is to wash my hair, tie it up until it's dry, dry my bangs, and that's it.

 

You're not going to see me with a Lush addiction any time soon, to the huge disappointment of my friends who somehow have overlooked this shortcoming and embraced me anyway.  Thanks guys!

 

But it was really bothering me that my face was blackhead city, and it bothered me more when those blackheads translated to cystic acne when my hormones decided to drop by once a month.

 

Now mind you, it's OK to just wash your face with water.  Your face doesn't love soap, especially with acne.  If washing with water works for you, then work it.

 

Feeling like a gross person with blackheads, I looked online for one easy change I could add to my routine that wouldn't overwhelm me, and I read that some people wash their face with raw honey, and moisturize with jojoba oil.

 

I've heard of using honey in place of Neosporin, so I knew that if you didn't have an allergy to it that it could be very healing to wounds.  Well, my face is basically a wound so I thought I'd give it a try.

 

I've been washing with raw honey for a couple of days now and using my Cerave PM afterwards because it's pretty bland and mild.  While I still have zits, they're small zits that heal quickly, and I don't have as many blackheads. It's not like it's a hard habit to remember--I at least shower once a day these days and I just pour a little honey on my hand first thing, and then pump some Cerave after I dry off. 

 

Just my face though.  I don't know how people have time for the whole body lotion and body sunscreen thing.  I swear that takes forever and I don't get it.  

I'm too lazy to post in this blog.

Hi Blog,

 

I am a very lazy person.

 

This is a recent discovery that everyone else knows about me except for me.

 

I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up, because I don't want to do anything, ugh, because effort.

 

When I was really young I fantasized about being alone on an island because I was too lazy to put on underwear. However, as an adult I found that I really like eating and that cooking is fun sometimes so I became less lazy and set my goals higher.

 

I want to be a kitty cat.

 

Yes.

 

I want to never shave again and just roll around with all of my fluffy body hair and have people feed me and hold me and lay in the sun and not worry about living past age seven.

 

I want to stay home all the time and not do anything and not have to worry about having to whether I have enough battery life in my iPod to block out annoying stuff like hearing management talk.

 

But I'm too lazy to figure out how to transform magically into a kitty cat so for now I have no career goals beyond not getting fired so I better get back to work.

 

Bye Blog!