My Queer Trust Issues

I hear people say things about others who post personal things on their Facebooks. "That person is such a Debbie Downer, always whining about things.  I'm unfollowing them!"

 

I suppose that's OK. I usually unfollow people for reasons too.  For instance, I don't like people who post political things that have an Us Vs. Them theme. I have a lot of friends who post political topics that manage to be able to generate a dialogue with their friends and family without making their followers who might disagree feel alienated and mocked.  That's one thing.  However, we all have that bigoted uncle who thinks they're right about everything.  Some people feel the need to keep following them regardless.  I feel no such loyalty on the Internet.

 

I said that to say this: everyone has something they are struggling through.  I like to write about my things.  I know I'm not right about everything, but when I write about what's wrong it's because I'm trying to find ways to change it.

 

I have depression, sometimes really severe.  I'm one of those rare individuals where medication makes my depression even worse, so I've yet to find any chemical comfort.  I try exercise, but sometimes I need a rest from it and the depression comes back immediately.

 

Sometimes my moods do not match what's going on around me, which leaves me trying to act as if I can still have reactions to things.

 

However sometimes I'd upset about legitimate things.  Most of the time I don't talk about it because those things come from ugly places and I feel ashamed.

 

Despite the fact that I believe in equality, that I voted for equality, and that I continue to support equality, I feel ashamed of who I am.

 

I'm ashamed that ever since I was little I've been attracted, romantically and physically, to girls, boys, and people whose gender does not fit those binaries.  I mean, when I was little, all crushes were embarrassing, but then there were the ones I wasn't even allowed to talk about which made it ever so much worse.

 

When I was little I used to think I was the only one, even when I was thirteen and couldn't stop staring at the girl who sat next to me in eighth grade language arts who looked a little bit like a boy.  When people spread around the school that I was a lesbian, I didn't know what that meant--only that it was supposed to be an insult and that I would never let anyone insult me.  So I'd make up fake boyfriends while secretly wishing to be cool and never knew what to do with my feelings for anyone except bury them.

 

As an adult I still experience this.  Even though I'm married and totally in love with my husband, I get crushes on people's personalities and looks, just like in eighth grade. First comes the shame of liking someone else, then the excitement and burning lust for liking someone new, and finally a crushing sadness that nothing will ever happen between us. 

 

Before I was married, each person I dated seemed kind of appalled at how much I'd flirt with their opposite sex friends and feel threatened by it.  They'd shame me and I'd feel dirty and worthless. So whenever I meet someone new or become reacquainted with someone from my past, I go through periods of feeling dirty and worthless and not knowing why.  Why would anyone want to hang out with me? I was sure people only wanted something from me besides my company, so I kept to myself.

 

I feel like I have to protect others from me, that they'll discover I'm perverted and terrible.  Sometimes I feel so hurt and angry by what I perceive other people might think about me I begin acting the part of the type of whore that my ex-boyfriends accused me of being, even if it's only in my mind.

 

It wasn't until my late twenties, when I was already with my husband, that I could even admit out loud who I was and what I liked. And even now, in my thirties, it takes a while. I've spent so long burying my feelings that when I have a feeling now it's hard for me to just let it ride.

 

I regret a lot of things.  There are endless potential relationships that never came to be simply because I was too ashamed to realize what I was feeling. Sometimes my depression stems from feelings that suddenly come up that I crushed in my teens and twenties.

 

I just have to remind myself how much I love my husband, how I've always loved him, how even in my teens I told myself I hated him when I didn't because that's how I dealt with things. I loved him, even during my early twenties when I tried to break things off regularly out of fear and how he always, always, always came back to me. 

 

And me to him.

 

What we have is the most beautiful thing in my life and I'm so thankful to have it.