I've had a food problem for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would end up eating to the point of throwing up. I abused my body, building it up more and more to become used to eating to bursting, until my body adapted and I required that amount of food as a staple to my nutrition rather than the exception.
Then, sometime recently, I need more food. More and more food. Food wasn't meeting my emotional or physical needs anymore. I would try the craziest food. I would try more of it. I would take risks with food. Nothing made me feel full. I lived in fear of starving, of being hungry.
I have a lot of anxieties and many of them revolve around physical discomfort leading to panic attacks.
I live in avoidance of panic attack. Food, headphones, avoidance, staying inside, never going anywhere: this is my life and has been my life since I was very young.
However this week I make a change. I started with me. I can't go out to Zumba? I brought Zumba to me. Afraid of starving? Eat five times a day and drink water until my stomach hurts with it. Afraid of panic attack? Get enough sleep and manage your anxiety.
Today was my day off though. I prepared for a binge day. I bought all kinds of processed junk and thought, "Oh goody! Food Christmas!"
But emotionally, I didn't need vast amounts of food.
And physically, I didn't want vast amounts of food.
A week into Game On and already I've broken the cycle of binge eating. It's just too easy to overdose now.
Just a little bit of junk food today was too much and I got sick very quickly, without trying to, without meaning to. My stomach was just like, "STAHPPIT!"
You know what I'm looking forward to tomorrow?
Broccoli.
Water.
Bananas.
Avocado.
Zumba.
Cleaning.
Feeling rested.
I'm happy to just let the junk food sit there, untouched, as the exception it is supposed to be instead of the rule.
It's a relief.
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