Disconnected Mess That I Am

Sometimes I am at a loss for words.

I wrote this today ... it's kind of vague.

I was crying when I wrote it. It is open to too much interpretation however, so here is my explanation. 

I feel like everyone knew their role in the most recent tragedy to hit our nation.   My politics lovin' peeps went right to their political stations, giving us the facts, jack. My mommas held their kids tight.  My praying people went to their graphics software and produced inspirational photos to share. My internet real estate people, the ones who have so many winnings in the internet that they are internet rich, let us know that none of these things were the cool thing to do, and so they provided cute animals or other things. Some of us cried. 

And I listened.

And listened.

And read.

And sometimes even replied. 

I did not blog or tweet.  That is pretty much my M.O. I let other people do the talking, I'll just lay over here with my Kleenex and sob my eyes out over your feelings. 

Not all of those feelings are pretty or wrapped up in a little box. Sometimes people take their feelings and throw it at others.  Some people even name call. 

There is so much hurt behind all of it.  When people say there are no words to use to describe all the sadness ... that's because there are so many things to be sad about that the energy is just gone before we can think of words.

Sure I had words.

But my Id took over and instead I just felt.

I internalized all the hurt and pain and it just kind of exploded in me today and no amount of "coping" skills I've learned in therapy helped me today.

And some things that make me feel better I want to do less and less right now.  Shopping is no fun when everyone else is also shopping. Crowds of people make me feel extremely frightened.

And certainly I've been missing people, and I've been missing all the happy times I used to have.

I get worried sometimes when I am sad that I will never be as full of joy as I once was.

I do alternate between bouts of extreme sadness/anxiety and periods of calm. 

But as I feel joy less and less, I think I forget how to be happy.

I have so much to look forward to.  I know I can do it.  I know I can be happy.  I know it. 

But there are changes I need to make and I don't know what they are.  I don't even know what I want anymore and I haven't for a long, long time.

Should I have stayed silent about this?  I don't know. I don't want to worry people, and of course I don't want to be sad and depressing.  I think the more I stay quiet about how I'm feeling, the less people realize that, hey, it's OK to feel this way.  Sometimes people feel feelings.  And sometimes it's not entertaining.

I think the worst thing for depression is long periods of isolation, which is my other M.O.

What's an M.O.?  I keep saying M.O. and I have no idea if I'm using it correctly.

Okay, there is some kind of animal screaming in pain outside and I've lost all train of thought.  Choo choo, I'm out.