This Weekend I Googled.

This weekend I Googled the following things:

 

What is a broiler?

It's that thing in bottom of my oven I never use.

 

Where is my broiler?

In that weird drawer thing you thought was for storage and melted all of your crap.

 

Is that a broiler?

Yes.

 

Do I put food directly on this thing in the broiler?

Yes.

 

How to broil?

Press broil.

 

How to clean broiler?

Dump powdered dish detergent on it and let it sit.

 

Can you freeze Ziploc containers?

Yes.

 

How long do breakfast casseroles keep?

A week.

 

Why are fedoras such a terrible hat now?

Because they are a symptom of guys who use phrases like "friendzone" and "Females only go for douchbags and I'm so nice."

 

Am I too old to still listen to Arcade Fire?

No, because you were younger than the band members in your early twenties, which means you're still younger than they are now.

 

Poop vs Sneeze vs Orgasm

HOW DID I GET HERE????

 

Should I diet?

You have chronic illnesses, so you probably should give it a shot.

 

What is the best diet?

There isn't one.  Find what works for you.

 

Why do these diets not succeed?

Because the people trying them did  not stick to them.

 

Why diets don't work?

Because people are resistant to change.

 

What super foods should I eat daily?

Spinach, butternut squash, blueberries, green tea, salmon (I personally don't think fish should be eaten daily because of pollution and mercury levels and such).

 

How to stay friends with people who make you super angry?

Don't. It's not fair to you and not fair to them.

 

I think all of you should Google these and then tell me about what you Google.  Or Bing. Or Ask Jeeves. Or read in a book somewhere.  Or copied off of your friend in science class.

I'm Going To Learn To Cook Like An Adult

My name is Jennifer and I work 40 hours a week.

Lately when I wake up in the morning I have just enough time to throw on clothes and leave.  I go to the store at lunch and battle Maryland drivers and crowded parking lot to get an overpriced chicken salad sandwich on a croissant.

I come home and all I want to do is sleep.  I heat up leftover pizza from several days ago and eventually fall asleep.

I really have no excuse to be so tired other than habitually doing things that drain me of energy, like forgetting to exercise and eating processed convenience food.

I was doing amazing a couple of years ago. I was happy for a while living on roasted chicken for most meals.  I'd wake up and do a heavy dance routine and finish with some yoga. I walked on my fifteen minute breaks, and sometimes walked during my lunch break.  Sometimes I'd go to the gym after work and other times I would work out at home.

I accomplished so much that I lost fifty pounds very quickly.  I figured, "If I can lose weight, I can treat my anxiety and ADHD as well!"

I went on the meds required and stayed on them for six months.  At the end of that six months I had daily nosebleeds, fainting, and migraines. And my ADHD and anxiety still caused some problems. Plus the doctor's offices made me even more stressed out than I was untreated with long waiting times and doctors who cared about my side effects not at all and had no idea what to prescribe me.

So I stopped. I plummeted into an immediate depression like I knew I would.

I started eating to medicate my depression.  I ate until I was very ill for almost every meal.  This is something I'm still struggling with.

In addition, I got into a car accident and injured my back.  The doctors pinpointed two spots where I was injured. Since I had been feeling severe pain before the accident, I think the accident just made things worse. I was allowed to exercise, but I wasn't able to without severe pain for a long time.

And that's how I gained back all of my weight.

A few months ago my favorite tweeter @REMOVEYOURPANTS began expressing her discontent and worries about people who live on fast food and packaged goods.  And despite all of my education on the subject matter, I couldn't believe that I had become one of those people.

It's always been kind of struggle.  I've tried to learn to cook from scratch over the years, but I've messed up so many recipes that I kind of just gave up. There are two major things that make cooking hard for me:

1. I mess up the recipes.

2. I mess up my cookware and can't get it totally clean after the first use.  Blech.

Even though I do it badly, I like to cook.  I do!

So I thought that despite my lack of talent at it, I'd give it a whirl again.

My only New Year's resolution is to cook.  As of right now my poor husband lives on Healthy Choices and Smart Ones, Atkins bars, and fruit cups. EW.  Oh and pizza and macaroni salad.

Armed with recipes from friends and cookbooks I have laying around in my Kindle and on the web, I resolve that the end of the year that packaged items will be reserved for power outages, and that on most days both Greg and I will be having leftovers for lunch.

I want to also say my other New Year's resolution will be to exercise, but fuck it.  One change at a time right now.  I don't need to make a list.

If I can get the cooking done, here are some other things I would like to get around to but they're completely optional:

2. Go on walks after dinner.

3. Have a place for all of my things. (Goodwill is a place!)

4. Re-apply to UMUC and register for classes.

5. Get my guitar restrung and cleaned and relearn how to play it decently.

6. Take some dance classes with friends.

7. Hang out with my amazing friends.

8. Plan a wedding for sometime in 2014.

9. Do nice things for the people in my life.

10. Shampoo my carpet.

I'll shall start with cooking!  Woo!

I have been alcohol-free for 177 days.  I'll never be food-free but I'd like to invite other things into my life besides processed junk food.  Who knows what I might accomplish without the hours of eating and being sick from eating that take up much of my time.

Even though my only fab thing is my plans, I'm linking up with Laura because that's enough fab for five Fridays!

Deal with it.

NO.

No.  I won't.

 

I refuse to airbrush my life.

 

Here I am, face swollen with sleep and nose cheating to the side, with blemishes, and hair air dried after being sleeted on.

 

Here is my cat who does not like camera flashes.

 

This is how we feel today.

 

This is how I feel most days.

 

So what?

STOP MOCKING ME, CHRISTMAS MUSIC!

Dear Adam Bregman,

 

I understand where you're coming from and believe me, some of us who are diehard fans of Christmas cannot stand Christmas music either.

 

I'm am a reallllllly weird person when it comes to Christmas.

 

On one hand, I love Christmas movies and will watch them all year long, from The Santa Clause to Home Alone.

 

And the minute Halloween is over, I want the Christmas lights up.

 

And the food is awesome as I am a huge fan of peppermint.

 

And I love seeing a Christmas tree in the home.

 

And I love singing Christmas music in July.

 

And then Thanksgiving comes and goes.

 

And what happens at work is that my coworker plays Christmas carols, loud enough to be heard throughout the whole office,  from the time we come back to work from Thanksgiving all the way through the entire month of December.  All. Damn. Day.

 

And I feel like it is mocking me.  It is so distracting and it makes me hate my job more.

 

I don't want to be forced to listen to Christmas music while I have to wear business casual clothing and be condescended to because I am a secret--no--beneath secretary status in our office's hiarchy.  Especially not when we're short staff and I'm constantly getting status requests and my workload is piling up.

 

I don't want it piped in shopping malls when I trying to find clothes that fit and feel like a fool already, and gum snapping moms idly bump into me, the gross scent of fruit flavoring punching me in the nose with its chemical bouquet.

 

And I certainly don't want to hear it when I'm getting bad news about the economy, or about school shootings, or about deaths in my family, or when I'm just exhausted and don't want to be around people at all, nevermind at work where someone is definitely going to be stomping around the office in their high heels when they pass my desk all day to make sure I didn't sneak out or something.

 

Praise Grumpy Cat, because off of the house tops I might hop if the Christmas music does not stop. Landing on the ground with a great big squish, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus is NOT my Christmas wish!

 

I hate that a holiday I previously loved because it meant time off school and work and more cuddles with my family and flannel PJs and pretty lights is now forced upon me whether I'm in the mood to celebrate or not. 

Don't Tell Me How To Feel. I've Got It Covered.

Almost fifteen years ago I lost my stepmother and I thought nothing would ever hurt as badly as that.

She died during a time of change in my life.  She also came to me during that change for the first time.  You might say she was a catalyst for that change. One minute I'm a sullen teenage nobody in a huge high school failing Biology with few friends.  The next, my parents are sending me away and not telling me why, only to have me come home two weeks later to tell me they are divorcing and that my Dad is moving in with his new girlfriend and who did I want to live with. I guess I was too busy just trying to get through the days to see the warning signs of impending doom ... as an adult many moments stand out as signs of the end. At that moment though, it was a complete shock and it was the beginning of the end of my innocence.

My dad was completely moved out by the end of summer and by that fall I was having regular weekend visits with my new family of Dad, Stepmom and Stepbro. Whoa.

I had a relatively normal tenth-grade year with dates, sleepovers, clique wars, mean girls.  My dad moved three times in a year-out of our house to a few streets away, then to a row home in Baltimore, and then to a tiny ranch home in Pasadena. I helped him with each move. My mom dated for a while, found the guy she wanted to marry, and he moved in by Thanksgiving. And then she moved us three counties away, so I had to leave school.

And while I was wallowing in the depression of saying goodbye to all of my friends I had grown up with for sixteen years or so, my Stepmom had a heart attack and died. My Stepbro was forced to move out of my Dad's house, and my Dad was alone for the first time in his adult life with his spirit completely sucked out and stomped on.

All in a year.

I went cuckoo bananas, okay? I sobbed every day for months. And the whole time my mom has no idea whatsoever how to help me deal.  She was just trying to keep me alive, really.  She said all kinds of things like, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." This article explains why that's supposed to be a bad thing.

Is this something you've told someone recently?  Don't beat yourself up. Here's why it's not the worst thing in the world to say:

I don't really believe that God punishes us for things.  Okay, real talk: I don't know what my religious beliefs are. It's totally up in the air with me.  Do I believe in the Bible?  I don't know.  Do I believe there is a higher power? Sometimes. Do I feel like I could have a relationship with Jesus?  Sometimes. Real talk, okay? I'm still feeling this out. There have been times in my life where I've been so Christian that I wanted to be a Catholic Nun, and there have been times in my life where I am an atheist. So just go with whatever I say and realize it's how I see things, whether it agrees with your religious views or it doesn't.

Anyway, God is a provider of good things. God is not Santa Claus ... you're not going to pray for winning lottery tickets. You're going to pray for strength, wisdom, courage. 

Those feelings I felt that summer were more than I could handle. God provides a way to give those feelings over and not hold onto them--give them over to God through prayer, talk it out with other people, express it through art and writing and music.

I did not feel like my grief was trivialized by my mother saying God doesn't give me more than I can handle. I felt like she provided an outlet that I needed at the time.  Something productive to do with my grief rather than let it build in my chest.

That doesn't mean everyone would appreciate that. As someone who has not lost a small child to murder, the article is right. I can't imagine what it is like or how they're feeling. But I do know there are several things that were said to us that were completely horrible during her funeral.

A family friend came up to my Stepmom's son who was only 11 or 12 and told him he had to be a man now and stop crying.  Uh, no. Don't tell someone how to feel.

And that's basically the gist of the article.  Without all the platitudes about God, if you look at each item, it's trying to tell the grieving person way to "look at the bright side."  It is not a grieving person's job to look at the bright side, or to obey you when you tell them how to feel.  Grieving people will react however they feel is right. And if that means breaking out in hives and screaming in the fetal position, then that's what it means. No more, no less. 

Disconnected Mess That I Am

Sometimes I am at a loss for words.

I wrote this today ... it's kind of vague.

I was crying when I wrote it. It is open to too much interpretation however, so here is my explanation. 

I feel like everyone knew their role in the most recent tragedy to hit our nation.   My politics lovin' peeps went right to their political stations, giving us the facts, jack. My mommas held their kids tight.  My praying people went to their graphics software and produced inspirational photos to share. My internet real estate people, the ones who have so many winnings in the internet that they are internet rich, let us know that none of these things were the cool thing to do, and so they provided cute animals or other things. Some of us cried. 

And I listened.

And listened.

And read.

And sometimes even replied. 

I did not blog or tweet.  That is pretty much my M.O. I let other people do the talking, I'll just lay over here with my Kleenex and sob my eyes out over your feelings. 

Not all of those feelings are pretty or wrapped up in a little box. Sometimes people take their feelings and throw it at others.  Some people even name call. 

There is so much hurt behind all of it.  When people say there are no words to use to describe all the sadness ... that's because there are so many things to be sad about that the energy is just gone before we can think of words.

Sure I had words.

But my Id took over and instead I just felt.

I internalized all the hurt and pain and it just kind of exploded in me today and no amount of "coping" skills I've learned in therapy helped me today.

And some things that make me feel better I want to do less and less right now.  Shopping is no fun when everyone else is also shopping. Crowds of people make me feel extremely frightened.

And certainly I've been missing people, and I've been missing all the happy times I used to have.

I get worried sometimes when I am sad that I will never be as full of joy as I once was.

I do alternate between bouts of extreme sadness/anxiety and periods of calm. 

But as I feel joy less and less, I think I forget how to be happy.

I have so much to look forward to.  I know I can do it.  I know I can be happy.  I know it. 

But there are changes I need to make and I don't know what they are.  I don't even know what I want anymore and I haven't for a long, long time.

Should I have stayed silent about this?  I don't know. I don't want to worry people, and of course I don't want to be sad and depressing.  I think the more I stay quiet about how I'm feeling, the less people realize that, hey, it's OK to feel this way.  Sometimes people feel feelings.  And sometimes it's not entertaining.

I think the worst thing for depression is long periods of isolation, which is my other M.O.

What's an M.O.?  I keep saying M.O. and I have no idea if I'm using it correctly.

Okay, there is some kind of animal screaming in pain outside and I've lost all train of thought.  Choo choo, I'm out.

Fab Friday ... New and Improved Exclamation Point Version

DUN DUN DUN ... IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN! I'M LINKING UP WITH LAURA FOR ....

YOU GUYS.  I actually DID stuff this week.  GO ME!

For instance, just now I fixed a printing issue on someone in management's computer ... and he said, "I'm not telling anyone you helped me ... we can't afford to lose more support staff!" Ha!

And I've been taking the stairs!  I only messed up one time and took the elevator downstairs ... but it was only because I forgot!  That's what happens when I socialize with elevator taking people!

It's finals week ... and I don't know how I did on my Psych final but the class is done! Praise!

I also wrote lots of blogs this week ... and found some really great reads!

I picked up the phone at least once when my mom called.  I'm not a phone person ... people don't reach me by phone.  I mean sure I was all cranky and told her I didn't want to talk but it's progress.  She was very happy that I picked up, heh.

I get paid today!

And also today I will be helping to wrap gifts our office bought for two needy children we chose to sponsor for our Angel Program.  They're really cool ... one kid is getting a big wheel and another is getting a talking dollhouse.

Signs Of The Apocalypse

I came to work today and saw this:

And then I looked on our community table and saw this:

The end times are nigh! 

Clearly we only have a week left to live.  I mean, there are just signs everywhere that we're all going to die. I hope you all prepared for the apocalypse, because you totally want to be the last ones standing when everyone else dies.

Have you met anyone that actually has been taking the whole Mayan Zombie end of the world stuff seriously?  Or the economic Fiscal Cliff seriously? Or the next disaster warning seriously?

As someone with severe anxiety disorder, when I find people talking about zombies, depressions, recessions, hurricanes, and earthquakes so seriously that that they get in online arguments, you'd think that I'd be scared right along with everyone else.

No, that's actually when I start side-eyeing.  Because there are several things I really don't care about:

Death by Zombies

Lots of people feel like they have some sort of control on when they die, how they die, and all the emotions related to dying. So the idea of being de-brained by a zombie is very upsetting to these people, and they prepare by having extra ammo or whatever.

I am not frightened by zombies.  I think zombies are more scared of us than we are scared of them if they even exist. But we're far more likely to die of chronic illness or by accident than by zombie. And if I die by zombie, at least that's not boring.

Money

Okay, money is scary, guys.  I've never been poor and have no idea what I would do if I had no money. And we all do the best we can, but some people are just in a better position to save money than others.  So when people go around victim-blaming saying, "You should have been saving since you were five years old!" and "OH NO EVERYBODY IS ON FOOD STAMPS OH THE HUMANITY!" I side-eye. 

It's one things to give people tips on how to do things better, but it's another to have this fatalistic attitude every day like, "I'm warning you! You're going to be out on the street!" 

You think we don't know about our economic situation? I think the majority of people know how bad off they are and how bad off our country is and that it's just going to get worse. There is only so much you can control and people can only do the best they can do.

SNOW/HURRICANE/TORNADO/MONSOON/TYPHOON/THE SLUDGE MONSTER

We all know what kinds of things to do to prepare for a storm that leaves you without power.  But there's not much you can do when your house and car are floating away and you're drowning or dying or something.  I think the best thing to do is just prepare to entertain yourself to distract from the monster wave that is about to kill you that you forgot to evacuate for.  I recommend youtube videos. 

So we can only prepare for these things so much before it gets into, "I cannot control this" territory. You can't just live your life in fear all the time.

So the real question is, after you're "prepared", what would you do if you actually only had a week to live?

Honestly?  I would do nothing differently. This is my life. I can't control or foresee everything.  I could die from a hit and run in the next seco-- 

(Cheap joke)

Slow Down You Eat Too Fast

I made some small changes since a few weeks ago and for the first time I have the energy to walk for short distances, and I noticed this morning that I've lost almost four pounds in three weeks.

 

Here are some changes that have helped me:

 

Slow down my eating. When I choked on a PBJ a few weeks ago, I felt so embarrassed. I sometimes wait a full minute in between bites now, sometimes two or three minutes pass between bites. I find this easiest to do at lunch and breakfast, and I'm going to work on it for dinner.

 

Eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.  I'm still mastering this one, but I found myself eating just for the fun of it.  There's nothing wrong with that every once in a while, but I wasn't even going an hour without eating something.

 

Relaxation tapes. I used to think these were malarky until I noticed they lowered my blood pressure and made me feel really good. Try to find one that has counted breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, and positive, calming affirmations. Lucinda Bassett makes a good one you can download from Amazon.  Bonus if you listen to the tape while eating, yet another way to slow down eating.

 

Take the stairs. I was so worried about how dizzy I feel when I take the stairs and I was afraid to keep feeling that feeling, so I started avoiding the stairs. There is no reason for this unless you have some sort of injury. My injuries are healed, so I've become a stair maven and now I have a fear of elevators. I'm actually faster than elevators, so taking the stairs keeps me from being late to things.

 

Fifteen minutes of walking a day. I think this is a good starting point.  I want to eventually increase my physical activity to 90 minutes a day, but since I was just laying around previously this is an improvement that helps my circulation.

 

What I'm not doing is worrying about my nutrition right now. I'm not counting calories, I'm not looking at vitamin intake, and I'm not looking at servings. If I had to guess, some day I eat about 2000 calories a day, and some days I eat 3000 calories.  Other days I might have only 800 calories.  I might have a soda, or two.  I might eat at McDonald's. I might kick a puppy. (I would never kick a puppy.)  I'm just trying to eat when I'm hungry, and eat very slowly when I am hungry. If I can keep up these changes, who knows?  I might wake up one day and start using tools such as MyFitnessPal and really get technical. But only if I want to.

 

Why did I make these changes?  Because I don't want to get back up to 230 lbs, and I don't want to die of heart attack and stroke because I gained 50 lbs in a year.

 

Why did I gain 50 lbs in a year? So last year around this time I was having a really bad time of it.  I was fainting with low blood pressure, had constant nosebleeds, and I had no energy. I flunked my history class, called my best friends and sobbed my eyes out and they took me out to eat too much. And it was awesome. And I remembered how awesome it felt.

 

I was also living in this horrible apartment. 

 

You don't want to hear about it, but here we go:

 

I didn't get along with management mostly because I held a grudge from four years ago when they moved me into a total heap of crap. No working toilet, shower, oven, front door lock, air conditioning or heat.  And the linoleum was peeling off of the floor in the bathroom. And water was leaking from the ceiling in the bathroom. And we had roaches.  And rats. And bedbugs. And everything was covered in a sticky film of filth. And when I called them to fix it they took three days to fix the lock, two months to fix my shower and toilet, they never fixed my oven, four months to fix my heat, and they never fixed my air.  Or the floor.  Or the pest problem. In addition, there were drive by shootings and gang activity including gang rapes.  And the lobby was filled with half empty Coronas and dead mice. And constant bass from inside and outside.  Constant. 

 

I documented everything and sent certified letters and wrote reviews and complaints on websites and called the office and threatened to go to the news and finally they decided they couldn't fix this apartment with me living in it.

 

So they let me move into a different apartment and I had to pay for the costs out of pocket, because even if you're moving across the street you're still moving crap upstairs and packing things and unpacking them. The new apartment had mold all over it that they just painted over, but the toilet, oven, shower, front door lock, air conditioning, heat, and except for the paint and the carpet stains nothing was peeling or filthy.   And for about month it was actually quiet and tolerable.  I lived in that place for four years because for three of those four years I was taking furlough days and for about a full year Greg was unemployed, so we had no money to move anywhere else.

 

Three months in, there was lots of crime activity and it got to the point where the police were called all the time for fights in the parking lot and people breaking into cars.  Someone threw a giantic chunk of asphalt at Greg on his birthday during the last year we lived there. And ugh, the constant bass came back. And so did the mice because management would not fix the wall where there were mouse holes.

 

I finally just got frustrated.  So when I failed history, had my health problems, and the mice started taking over the replacement apartment, and the crime got really bad, I said to myself, "Whatever."

 

And I stopped dieting. Not only did I stop dieting, but I started overeating.  And then instead of just overeating, I started eating to the point that I was sick after every meal. And then I got into a car accident and hurt my back, so I stopped exercising too.  I went from running five miles a day and taking Zumba and Aqua Zumba to trying to find a position where I wasn't screaming in pain from my injury. And I gained fifty pounds in a year for the second time in my life.

 

Things in my life got better though!

 

Greg got a raise and they stopped taking money out of my paycheck every week to cover the mandated furloughs!

 

I left Glen Ridge and moved to Oakland Hills Apartments, an apartment complex with far less crime, no pests, no noise, beautiful apartments that aren't disgusting and broken, and best of it is situated on a golf course.  We have a view of trees and golfers.  I love it. 

 

I redecorated things in my favorite colors. I got a lime green slipcover for my couch, had the walls painted Bauble Blue, and shopped with my mother and husband for new, clean furniture.

 

Oh, and Greg became my husband.

 

And we adopted a cat.

 

And Greg and I got rings: me, a 1ct moissanite bezel ring like I've always wanted because in some lights it looks rainbowy and in some lights it is bright white and glowing and in some lights it is a steel ocean grey and in other lights it turns a beautiful amber green that matches my eyes, and our bands are tungsten carbide and they match.

 

And my back got better with rest and physical therapy and time.

 

And the accident was forgiven and is not on my insurance.

 

And I can have company over now!

 

And my friends Joey and Kenny are finally going to tie the knot!

 

And I've decided it's OK to take a semester off!

 

And I have a really killer little black dress to wear to parties.

 

And I blog now.  It might be a passe thing to do, and all of the things I think are funny were funny seven years ago, and I might be an old fart with grey hair who nobody listens to and nobody takes seriously, but I really like blogging and I'm going to keep doing it.

 

More than that, I really like bloggers.  I like link ups, because otherwise I have no idea how to find new stuff to read or how to meet internet people to read about because I'm terrified of reddit and buzzfeed and I just have no idea.

 

And one day I woke up and realized all this great stuff just kind of started happening for me, but that I am still holding on to a lot of anger and resentment. And that instead of dealing with it, I found myself stress eating even though nothing bad was happening to me anymore. I started choking on my food I was eating it so quickly and so utterly without joy.

 

Sometimes it takes a while to realize what you're doing wrong in order to decide what to change first. 

Over it? Pssh, I'm Under It, Baby

I'm over people saying they are over things. (Sorry, Helene <3 you)

Today I rather focus on things I am under or want to be under!  Things I enjoy!

Most days I want to be under the covers! I don't actually sleep under covers fully because I get really hot, so most of the time I am hugging the covers with my legs sticking out. It's weird how my shoulders get cold and the rest of me gets hot.

But some days I want to go to the beach and go under the water!

OKAY.  You'd think I'd want to be under THIS water:

Photo credit: www.luxurytravelplaces.com

I guess I'm a Baltimoran though, because I prefer to go downy oshun, hon. Both New Jersey and Maryland's Ocean City have epic, killer, so-scary-you-might-die waves. I don't like going in clean, beautiful, sparkling water.  I want to be under water that is going to make me crack my skull on the sea floor and wrench my shoulder after the waves knock me off my feet, throw me in the air, and then have me land really hard and almost drown.

Photo credit: fysurf.com

Yes, look at that disgusting grey sludge ... yes that's the ocean I grew up with and almost drowned in dozens of times per Ocean City Maryland stay. If you don't have fish pee streaming out of your nose, sand in your eyes, and tears streaming down your face as you dizzily waddle your way back to your beach umbrella like you survived a ship wreck, it's just not worth the four hour drive.

And maybe when I'm done I'll want to be under anesthesia so I don't have to be awake for the drive home!

I'm linking this post up for Tell Me About It Tuesday ... go and get your link up fix!

How Elections and Candy Crush Saga Ruined My Life

WELP. I know I'm supposed to be blogging daily if I want to be internet famous someday or a good writer or have an audience or just to stop the nagging voices in my head. But I don't even feel like reading blogs right now -- why in the world would I want to write one that even I would skim through?

 

Everything out there I would like to blog about might be alienating.  As a psych and social work major, I have learned so much in the last year about oppressed populations. 

 

Unfortunately my brain tells me this when I go to write about what I've learned, "Politics? I mean, the election is over and people expect all the political stuff to thankfully go away.  STAHPIT!" 

 

Preach, brain. People, and by people I include myself, DUH,  feel like they have been inundated by their friends and families on political posts and they have had their fill and should be allowed to escape.  And while that might not be politically correct to take that option, I don't think it makes you a bad person.

 

Just know that some people don't have the option to not focus on these things, because it is happening to them in their everyday life.

 

If that makes you feel guilty, don't feel guilty.  Guilty is a useless feeling.  Take action! Educate yourself, or take your education and find out how you can change things that upset you!

 

I don't want anyone out there eaten up with guilt and just sitting there. OWN YOUR FEELINGS. Want to make a difference!  You go, go make that difference!  You can do it!  You do you!

 

Or be grateful for your option to not have to worry.  Sure, it's kind of at the expense of others, but hey, you do you. Being stressed out is a real issue, stress kills, stress perpetuates disease.  How are you supposed to change social diseases when you have physical or even mental diseases?  Well, you can, of course you can. Yes, please change the world. But don't be burned out. Remember who you are! Take time out each day to be who you are and carve out time to be someone other than Peter Politics or Sally Social Justice.

 

And if you're me and that means playing Candy Crush Saga for hours on end, well, that's up to you.

 

Fab Friday: BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER "L"

It's Fab Friday:

I'm going to talk about three people who are fab whose name start with the letter L. Whee!

First is Laura from http://betweenthelinesblog.net

I met Laura briefly at my college pal Patrick's wedding. She was their photographer and she did a very nice job. Patrick and Liz are some of the most lovely people I have ever met and she really captured who they were in her photos--all of the beauty, emotions, craziness, tenderness, passion, and hilariousness. Impressed, I started following her blog. I love her blog!  Don't you guys love her blog, too?  Isn't that why you all are here today? Anyway, she's so positive and creative and really GOOD at blogging. Reading her blog makes me want to blog. Laura and I are very different people, but she's very likeable and talented and I'm glad that I have her to read about every morning.

Speaking of Liz ... I really like her blog so much! http://www.districtmurphy.com

I first met Liz through the early days of LiveJournal, actually.  She was one of my first friends to abandon LJ to have a blog instead. Instead of being whiny and boring in her LJ, I actually liked reading her entries.  She'd format them with pretty pictures and write about things I liked such as movies, purses, and dinosaurs. So when she started blogging instead (she should have been doing this all along, she has a great style) I totally added her to my Google Reader.

One time I called her and said to her "This guy is hot, you totally have known him for years and have no idea. I would totally bone him if I wasn't with Greg, and I think you two should meet up and I've been meaning to tell you for five years."

And then I swore her to secrecy because who says that about their friends???

(I do.  I'm very inappropriate about things like that.  Plus, all my friends are really attractive and I have major crushes on all of them because in a perfect world they would all want to get with this. Sorry not sorry.)

And as it turned out, I was totally right.  They belong together! But then I got really irrationally mad at her because after she married him she moved him to DC of all places! (I'm a agoraphobic homebody so that may as well be Guam.) But as she'll show you in her blog (and pretty much any time you get to see her), DC is AMAZING and they both totally belong there. Plus she fed me cheese and plied me with wine a couple times and who could ask for more?

SPEAKING OF LIZZES IN GENERAL let me tell you about my favorite Liz who absolutely does not go by Beth ever http://www.etsy.com/shop/fierceangel

I met Liz in 1996 in Mr. Reda's Intro to Biology class at Glen Burnie High.  I really really liked her right away mainly because she sat next to me and wasn't annoying.  Usually when I have to sit next to someone in class they want to talk all the time and I get in trouble for responding because I do not have an inside voice at all.

And to be honest, she was really pretty and I pretty much spent all class period staring at her hair, all body waved and golden, wishing desperately my hair looked like that. She also had the nerve to wear whatever she wanted.  One month she'd be super trendy in baby tees and cargo pants, the next she'd be goth with blue hair streaks and eyeliner doodled rose vines decorating her face. But the coolest thing about her was that she liked to write. Sure, it was teen angst poetry at the time (we were fourteen after all), but I have a special spot within my heart for people who love to write.

When I moved back into town after college in 2005, she was the first person who found me on MySpace. (With all these MySpace and LiveJournal references, I'm fingering my first gray hair.) Over the last seven years she has impressed me with her crafting expertise, her kindness to others, and her charitable efforts.  Plus she is a cat person.  So she could pretty much stomp on my head and eat all of my cheese and I would still come to her house for summer group viewings of Nightmare Before Christmas.

Plus, the way to her heart is crinkle cut zucchini, not cheese, so that would never happen. Right?

Why It Is Totally Worth It To Get Out Of Bed

Sometimes, for whatever reason, you're not going to want to get out of bed or are unable to get out of bed.

 

Maybe your bed is super cozy and delicious and you have a cat purring and you want to stay loafing there because it's awesome.

 

Or maybe you're afraid clowns will eat you.

 

Or maybe you're sick or on bed rest.

 

Or maybe you just got to bed five minutes before your alarm goes off.

 

Or maybe you're tired of pretending to like people and need a day off from people so much that you cannot venture out of your bed.

 

Or maybe something sad happened and you need some time to feel feelings while being horizontal.

 

Or maybe someone tied you into the bed and left you there and you've been kidnaped. (Why aren't there two p's in kidnaped?)

 

Or maybe, like me, you struggle with a mental illness that takes the oomph out of you on a regular basis and getting out of bed is hard.

 

(So I might have some form of untreated bipolar depression. I think.  I don't know, I've been misdiagnosed and tried so many pills so many times that I just don't know anymore. Anyway, I get tired of people thinking that bipolar depression always, always means you're a creepy nutjob. Ugh. Mental illness stigmas! Nobody is defined by their illness ... illness is just another struggle amid other struggles everyone has.  For me, it means sometimes I feel numb and devoid of happiness even when good things are happening for long periods, followed by long periods of not being able to sleep and feeling emotionally wired, more than the norm for most people. So because of this, sometimes I struggle with day-to-day things like taking care of myself or getting out of bed.)

 

There are many reasons not to get out of bed, but you have to decide for yourself if it is worth it to get out of bed.  It is NOT worth it to get out of bed if you're sick or on bed rest. GET BACK IN BED!

 

Maybe you need a reason to get out of bed!  Some people need a blank provided for them for their brains to fill it in for them, like a gestalt!

 

In that case you need this handy-dandy chart!

 

(image from anxietycat.tumblr.com)

 

Okay, so maybe you were not well prepared last night and did not write down why yesterday was worth it to get out of bed. Maybe you can use it to plan your day and make it worth it to you to get out of bed!

 

Anyway, here's mine so far for why it was worth it yesterday:

 

1. Cranberry scented soap.

2. Breezes during meditation felt through car window.

3. Pizza

4. Tea

5. Root beer

6. Husband cuddles

7. Showing husband different games I play.

8. Watching Cheers

9. Whole Foods sushi

10. Cheddar potato chips.

11. Being the only person who knows how to shut down the phones at night.

12. Exciting spoiler clips from Glee's next episode.

 

If I had a following this is where I'd do a link up ... but if you do one of these feel free to link me to it in the comments!  WHY IS IT WORTH IT TO GET OUT OF BED aaaand go!

Getting Ready to HIT PLAY

I keep making up crap on this blog about how I'm going paleo or starting an exercise plan, and then I eat Doritos and brownies and sit on my butt. 

 

When I think about going to the store, I think, "No, no no! I don't want to leave the couch with my duvet and my pants-less existence."

 

This is how it is with everything in life.  The only reason I ever do anything is if I feel like someone is counting on me and that the world is better because I'm there. Everything that involves not sitting around seems like work.

 

Like church.  There is this amazing church I want to go to in my neighborhood that my friend Shirley goes to.  It has all of my dogma and I live five minutes away from it.  Yet Sunday after Sunday there I am on the couch.  However, at my other church, one of the members specifically went on my FB wall and was like, "Oh hey, are you coming? You're invited!" So even though they are much farther away, I spent my Sunday with them a couple of Sundays ago.

 

My favorite thing is couch time.  There is nothing I like more than laying around and watching TV or surfing the internet.  The problem is I do this so much that my body gets sore from not using it. And my stomach bothers me from not burning off stress with exercise and possibly eating things that have gone bad because I'm too lazy to shop.

 

That's when I start making up crap in my head that I'm making a change ... but I rarely change.

 

Except a few times. WAIT JUST A MINUTE.  I changed a few times!  I did!  Let's see ...

 

In 2008 I went back to school and finished my A.A. and in 2010 I decided to try for my B.S.!  I'm still working on that B.S., too!

 

I went on Atkins in 2011.  It was marvelous. Until I got depression and wanted chocolate cheesecake, like, all the time, and gained 50 lbs back from what I had lost. But I was loving my gluten-free self.  BUT ONCE UPON A TIME I DID MAKE A CHANGE AND IT WORKED FOR A WHILE. But then I made another change and now I've stuck to that change ... and I don't like its result.

 

BUT!

 

I made another change this year when I made a budget and figured out I could move somewhere that wasn't rat infested.  Last year I lived in a one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend with mice in it in a neighborhood that has a history of drive-by shootings and muggings, where someone threw a rock from their car window at my boyfriend while he was going on a jog.

 

This year I live in a two-bedroom apartment with a golf-course view with a husband and a cat. 

 

Oh and did I mention I got married?

 

There are some changes that are easy to stick to, like moving or getting married.  This exercise and eating right thing though is a big big struggle.

 

I have all these plans I'm not sticking to in my head that I just want to get out there and do!

I wish everything was as easy as just hitting "play."

But wait!  It is!

 

Everything is better in a busy graphic, isn't it?

 

It would be super easy to do some quick routines throughout the week and then plan something with my friends, like a gym day with my Joey or a hike with Greg.

 

I feel like when you exercise your body makes you WANT to eat nice things so it can keep moving nicely ... as long as you're not using food as a reward for working out. 

I have all these DVDs and saved Youtube videos for quick 15 minute workouts.  I could just hit play and participate.  And I could cook ... as long as it's not every night. 

We'll see. I just thought of this so obviously there has been none of this in my life today. 

WEEKEND UPDATE with Jennifer

My weekend looked like this:

THERE WERE NO FLAMES OR UNICORNS BUT THERE WAS A SANDWICH BUT I ATE IT SO YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

YAY FOR MS PAINT! AND CAPS!

Things I learned today

I learned today ....

Pigeons and Doves are related birds ... and they love poking fun at sleeping kitties!

When I am away from the computer, my cat plays Facebook games:

My cat gets really exhausted watching me study:

It's so hard being a cat!

Annie Approves of Christmas Lights

So ... we've actually had our lights up for a month now. I'm sure the neighbors will vote against us in our neighborhood contest out of spite just because we had ours up first, but we don't even really count Thanksgiving as the start of the "Holiday Season" ... no!  Once Halloween is over we're quite content to start playing those Christmas carols.  Okay, let's be honest: we'd celebrate all of this all year long if we could and the weather was cold. We were made for this. 

Spending the evening with my kitty.  After several months she no longer runs away from the camera and she definitely loves Christmas lights!  She's also taken to laying with me for long periods of time to keep me company, but by no means is she a lap cat.  She still has a lot kitten in her and wants to explore.  But she'll let you rub her belly like she's a puppy. Every so often she'll lay on my chest for a minute or two, and she purrs the whole time. 

That gets tiring of course because she's so much fun to annoy!

Fab Friday ... now with ideas!

THE FOLLOWING IS SUITABLE FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO KNOW ABOUT FAB THINGS. CARRY ON. Okay, so I think it would be "fab" if I went back on Atkins/Paleo. I know it's December, but my compulsive eating has gotten out of hand and I pretty much never binge eat meat. I know I wrote a post yesterday putting turkey in the bottom two for Thanksgiving X-Factor, but it was there for deliciousness and interesting-ness.   Foods that have that factor that makes them super delicious rather than just pleasant are dangerous for me. I think it would be fab if I could start eating chicken and tuna like my cat.


I think it is fab that I am out of the house today. I still feel rotten, but I'm dressed and working. I know you guys are proud of me.

I figured out how to program my DVR so it doesn't delete things after I have five shows!

I had made a gray layout and it looked spiffy, but I think my new white one with snowflakes on it reflects me more. My living room is full of those colors. Since my new blog name references the apartment where I live, I figured it was a good idea to honor it with the right colors instead of a boring photo of my magenta lamp.

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

Christmas shopping done... get some mugs, make these, hilarity ensues. 

Thanksgiving Food and X Factor

We all basically eat the same types of foods on Thanksgiving, but sometimes I have to ask why.  We all have types of potatoes, cranberries, stuffing, turkey, corn, green beans.

In fact this is what I had, and I'll bet it is what many people had:

Here is the rundown on who would be in the top three, and who would be singing for their survival if these foods were on X Factor.

Top Three

1. Candied Sweet Potatoes/Corn Pudding

Why would anyone ever call these "candied yams" ... have you seen or tasted an actual yam?  They're like really gross white potatoes. Just no. Eating candied sweet potatoes is ridiculously awesome. It's vegetable.  It's candy. I want to make out with it. And Corn Pudding? See above, insert corn. Incorporate veggies and dessert, yes.  Although I consider corn on the cob to be as delicious as dessert.

2. Mashed Potatoes (not pictured)

Mashed Potatoes make something very unappetizing to me into something fluffy and savory.  I feel like I'm eating herbed clouds in Care-A-Lot. 

3. Canned Cranberry Sauce

If it doesn't shlorp, if it doesn't have can marks, please send it away.  This is a Thanksgiving classic.

Wild Card

1. Stuffing

Stuffing depends. If it's just basically wood chipped trail mix, send that crap home.  But if it has sausage and apples and the prayers of innocent children, stuffing wins. 

Sing for Survival

There are no two acts in this competition that I actually want to send home.

1. Turkey

I'm not sure why turkey is a part of Thanksgiving. It's just meat, like any other meat. It sounds so unpatriotic, I know. However, turkeys were only eaten because they were there and available. If people were really in the spirit of Thankgiving and aiming to eat the most common animal in the U.S., we would be eating deer.  Can you imagine a delicious, perfectly seasoned, venison steak?  It's fantastic. You don't even need gravy. Which is good, because I already voted to send gravy home. 

2. Green Bean Casserole

I don't want to be very critical. It's vegetables covered in soup with crunchy things.  It's an OK side dish.  I personally, hate green beans.  This is actually the only way I can possibly eat green beans without erupting into a heaving, sweating, nausea machine. 

Okay, have to go, Glee is on!

Sick Days

You might have noticed  I have not blogged much since my courthouse wedding. Since the wedding, my life has been very eventful. 

There were the United States Presidential election results and all of the news coverage left me too overwhelmed to go online lest someone feel like shouting at me. I decided not to associate with people who feel the need to shout at me.

Then my husband's brother Jeremy got married to his high school sweetheart. 

Thanksgiving had me go to at least four dinners and have several people over.

And there were research papers the whole time.

So I felt like this:

You wouldn't know it, but this look conveys extreme anxiety.

I became a little run down and now I'm sick. I spent most of the last few days laying around, sneezing, coughing, and other unpleasant things. Every so often I will blink and before I know it, it looks like this outside:

My view of the last minutes of the sun setting just before 5:30p.m.

Seriously, are you kidding me? Not ten minutes later and it is pitch black outside.  Isn't that blue gorgeous though? It's like cobalt glass.

I have been chewed up and spit out ... and then swallowed again in the world of Facebook games. UGH!

So today I ordered a new digital camera! Yay! I can't take photos with the crappy one I currently have without using a pair of tweezers. Here is what I treated myself to:

Canon PowerShot SX260 HS 12.1MP Digital Camera with 20x Optical Zoom - Black from Target.com

I pretty much know very little about cameras but this one had good reviews and I'm super excited to be able to take pictures again.

Tomorrow I go back to work.  I still feel pretty cruddy but I can't sit around coughing for another day.

So What! Wednesday

I thought I'd get back into blogging after a month of not blogging after my wedding with a So What! Wednesday from Life After I "Dew" ... so here we go! (Thanks, Laura for the idea!)

So what if ...

WithSandwich was a failure.  I gained at least five pounds since starting it! Why not post about what I'm happy about? I love living in Oakland Hills and my blog should now represent this!

I stayed home sick today. Sometimes I just don't feel well ... isn't my health important?

I have not worked out in an age. I have a plan for this! On Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays I plan on spending the afternoons doing something I love, like Zumba or intense interval walking, for at least 30 minutes. On Thursdays and Sundays I plan on doing my Power Yoga Total Body Workout with Rodney Yee DVD. 

I don't have Photoshop. I can still make my own layouts using LunaPic and PicMonkey whenever I feel the need to change things up ... and I did!

I am still not internet famous. Wait, I take that back.  LOVE ME. LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME.

---

That was fun! I'm going to go rest up now so I feel better!

What It Is Like To Get Courthouse Married

So what was it like to get married?

Well I woke up and did my hair, makeup, and got ready, then woke up Greg to tell him it was his wedding day.  He helped me into my long-line bra (or as I like to call it, the torture device) and zipped up my short little black dress. I felt beautiful.  I mean, I'm still a short  fat person wearing a dress, but still!  I had clean hair, I smelled good, I felt fancy.

When my mom and David came over, it was chaos.  I had torn my apartment apart preparing for the hurricane and the wedding at the same time.  There were pieces of multi-colored tulle and bags of canned goods everywhere in case we needed to evacuate and I had not straightened up.  So I kept walking around everyone going, "Excuse me!" and answering every question with, "Uh-huh!" And then I sat in the truck and almost passed out.  Seriously, I couldn't breathe.  I am unused to even wearing Spanx, so the long line bra with boning that went down to my hips compressed my lungs. I honestly thought I would get car sick all over my dress, but I was OK. I was fine when we got out of the car.  Greg looked really worried at all the commotion.

Finally we were in Annapolis and out of the car and I felt much better!  We made the walk to the courthouse, which was scenic with the quaint brick roads and old-timey buildings. Inside the courthouse the information desk was decorated with zombies and spiderwebs. We hung out for a little bit and then walked into the licensing department to get to marrying.

It was basically one big photo op.  Lots of pictures were taken but there wasn't anything really big going on. All we did was dress up, go to the chapel, sign our names, hold hands, repeated words, kiss, hug, and complained we were hungry and wanted to get out of our uncomfortable clothes.

Even though there was nothing big going on, it still felt wonderful to look into my husband's eyes and say those words.

I felt it in my solar plexus when we first kissed as husband and wife.

And it's that, really. If you want to commit to one person until both of you die, this is what you should do.  It's the best feeling in the world.  Every consenting adult who wants to get married should. My brother in law is getting married to his girlfriend next week and I want one of my closest friends Joey to make history with his boyfriend Kenny when they become each others husbands in January.

The only thing that feels even remotely as delicious as getting married is finally getting out of wearing a combination of Spanx and a long line bra.  Because there should be laws, people.

If you want to see more photos click here.

Thank you to my friend David for bringing his camera so we could have photos to remember the day by.

Edit: I forgot to mention one detail about what it's like to be newly married:

I always felt weddings should be low-key and intimate and I still plan on celebrating with more people later. I think I definitely thought this through and really waited until I knew. (Nine years! Heh.) I still would have liked to have time to plan a celebration to join our families together, but nothing says we still can't. I just know that when Greg "kissed the bride" it really slammed into me that we were married. I felt the effects for several days as I was jerked out of sleep by my brain every few hours, as if my body was trying to tell me Santa had come and there were presents. My brain repeatedly thought, "Psst, wake up, did you forget you are married? Because you are! Don't forget! Night!" I thought it was hysterical, even more funny as I went several nights without sleeping soundly because of this side-effect of making this huge commitment. Nobody told me this would happen! So weird!!!