Revisiting Game On

Well, this is a good sign!  I'm blogging, which I haven't done much of since I got my iPad, and since work got busy, and since we had an inspection, and since New Girl suddenly became interesting.

I totally backslid with my diet.  And that's OK, I suppose.  We had some weather and I didn't really feel like going grocery shopping. I baked some goodies, ordered a bunch of take-out, and let the wind and the sleet and the rain defeat me, I guess.

However, the sun is shining and it's time to go grocery shopping!  And believe it or not, I'm seriously considering trying the Game On Diet to see if I can heed their guidelines before actually joining a team. 

My shopping list:
Low-carb ketchup
Lime juice
Apple Cider Vinegar
Celtic Sea Salt
Onion Powder
Garlic Powder
Agave Nectar
Olive Oil
Skim Milk
Eggs
Oranges
Chicken breasts
Spinach
Red Onion
Bananas
Greek yogurt
Almonds
Sweet potatoes
Canned Salmon
Avocados. (YES I SAID AVOCADOS)

After looking a little bit closer to the rules for Game-On, I noticed you can have an extra 100 calories of anything a day.  So I'm using my avocado for 1 thumb fat + 100 calories.

I figured I could split my breakfast and lunch into four meals, and then have a tiny dinner. I planned it like this:

Breakfast: 2 eggs and a tall glass of skim milk. Eat half at 5am, the other half at 7am.

11am: A salad of 2 cups of spinach, some red onion, 1 sliced orange, and 1 cup of shredded chicken breast, with homemade low carb french dressing.

2pm: Greek yogurt, a banana, and 2oz. almonds

6pm: 1/2 an avocado, a squirt of lime juice, with 3oz canned salmon. 

Oven sweet potato for dessert.

I'm going to give this a whirl and see how that goes!

In Which I Blog About My Obsessive Eating Behaviors

The road to self-acceptance for me has been rocky. My relationship with myself, with others, and with food has always been complicated.  Even when I was five I had to learn to read ingredients to avoid hours of vomiting later. Even when I was three I looked at my thighs with disgust, even though I was not fat. And even now I have a need to feel validated that might still boarder on unhealthy sometimes.

First I'll talk about my history with food. Let me tell you about the types of crap I grew up eating.

As a small child, I could not eat anything my friends were allowed to eat. No butter, no milk, no ice cream, no cheese, no oranges (still don't know why I couldn't have oranges and why I can have them now). From an early age many foods were seen as forbidden, and if I tried them I'd become very ill. Classroom birthdays were the worst, as beautiful cupcakes tempted me like nothing else.

Age 5 (Lactose Intolerant)
Breakfast: Dry toast and apple juice
Lunch: PBJ, Banana, and grapes with juice
Dinner: Some kind of meat with vegetables and mashed potatoes. Unfortunately I never ate the vegetables because they were gross gross gross and probably canned anyway.
Dessert: Something made with soy milk, because I was lactose intolerant.

Then a few years later my lactose intolerance was less severe and I was making up for lost time by eating all the stuff I wasn't allowed to eat that all my friends ate ... which usually meant pastries, chocolate, cereal with milk in it, and cheese pizza. Sometimes chocolate and sprinkles on top of cereal and milk in it, and I think I might be ill right now brb.

Age 10 (YAY I CAN EAT WHATEVER I WANT)
Breakfast: Tastycake Pie
Lunch: Cafeteria Food
Afternoon Snack: Some horrendous science experiment involving whatever we had in our pantry.
Dinner: Some kind of meat with vegetables and a pasta side dish.  Which could mean cheeseburger and canned peas with canned Chef Boyardee.
Dessert: Halloween Candy

Then I began gaining a lot of weight and my cholesterol shot up to 230.  I just thought vegetables were the most disgusting thing in the world.  I even picked the black olives and green peppers off of pizza until my mom caught me and I ate them with a look of disgust on my face.

Soon my diet looked more like this:

Age 10.5 (OH NO I HAVE THE HEART OF A 90 YEAR OLD MAN)
Breakfast: Wheaties, banana, skim milk
Lunch: Cafeteria Food
Afternoon Snack: Grapes and yogurt
Dinner: Garden Salad, cornbread, baked chicken
Dessert: Frozen yogurt, or strawberries

I still didn't lose weight though. Starting at age 11, I started skipping lunch, and by age 12 I began over-exercising for hours a night. By age 13 my diet was this:

Age 13 (AM I FAT AM I FAT HOW ABOUT NOW)
Breakfast: Wheaties, banana, skim milk or Dry Toast and Honey
Lunch: Nothing, or an apple.
Afternoon Snack: Grapes in between marathon sessions of Abs of Steel on VHS.
Dinner: Tried to skip dinner if I couldn't get caught, or just eat a little dinner.
Dessert: Some kind of diety dessert or nothing. I usually went back to marathon exercising, usually rehearsing ballet or tap in our basement.  I loved it!

However ... soon I cut down even more.

For a very short time I was 5 foot 6 and 116 lbs, which is honestly a healthy weight for someone at that age and a healthy weight now.  Except I didn't have a body of a child, as I was almost through with puberty at 13. My bones were large and dense, and I had big boobs. Except the month before I had been 128 lbs and I wasn't eating anything and I was obsessed with food. The arguments at dinner table started becoming more intense. My ballet class measurements got really small.  However, my grades and friendships suffered, as well as my self esteem. I felt so self-conscious, because even at that size I was bigger than the popular girls who were all skeletal and short.

My parents took me to a nutritional expert, who told me that skipping meals would make me fat in the long run and to stop. It was a hard habit to break, but I eventually accepted myself as I was, growing flab and all. By the time I was 15, I was 140 lbs. I thought I was huge, and that nutritional expert told me I should not be any smaller than 135 lbs and to stop obsessing, to stand up straight and proud, to get out there and dance and run without caring who saw me.

My parents were divorcing at that time, and to cope with it at first I spent much of the time jumping rope until I was soaked in sweat, or sprinting.  However, soon I just laid in my room and cried and read books while binge eating boxes of cereal and toast.

I actually got very big.  By age 17 I was 175 lbs and a size 15/17. And so I backslid, becoming obsessed with food and looks.  My diet looked like this:

Age 17 (IT IS EASY TO BE HEALTHY WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO COOK)
Breakfast: Yogurt and fruit

Lunch: A giant bottle of Sobe, whatever had the most vitamins and weird ingredients like ginseng in it.  I liked to collect the caps! Sometimes I would buy actual food, but I was usually still full from breakfast by then.

Afternoon Snack: More yogurt or fruit, but most of the time nothing because I didn't want to spoil dinner with a possible binge.  I usually went for a run right after school before heading to work. I probably would have liked to eat something, but our kitchen was infested with ants and I imagined them crawling in anything that wasn't sealed shut. I call this my "everything has ants in it" diet.

Dinner: Whatever my mom made, which usually had lot of vegetables which by then I would eat steamed or sauteed.  My favorite meal was orange roughy with asparagus spears. If I was working a five hour shift at Pizza Hut, a personal pan pizza that I made myself, no sauce, light cheese, chicken, peppers, and mushrooms.  I usually shared it with my family if I didn't scarf it down before I got home. Every so often I would make dinner and it usually was tuna sandwiches with sliced apples.
Dessert: Nope, unless it was a special occasion.

I lost 30 lbs in three months, and was actually proud of that. I got down to a size 10, which you've seen.  Unfortunately, I was still obsessed.  Obsessed with food.  Obsessed with looks.  Obsessed with boys. Obsessed with sex. There was little joy.  I wasn't happy.

A Word On My Rocky Road To Self-Acceptance
The obsession with boys was the most painful.

No not boy crazy teenager obsession.

But like, obsessive obsession.

I noticed in high school that all the girls had boyfriends.  I wanted a boyfriend too, but not because I liked boys.  I wanted to be accepted and validated.

By the time I was 17, I knew that I had an attraction to boys. Out of the three or four guys I'd gone on dates with, there was only one who really did it for me (and I'm currently married to him). What surprised me was that I was becoming more attracted to girls. I was very interested in some of the girls and boys I went to school with, but I never told them.  I had no desire to be any less popular by expressing myself, but while I felt like having a boyfriend was the only way I could value my existence (no self-esteem, remember) I didn't necessarily have any real crushes beyond wanting to feel loved by a cute guy.

This continued as a theme throughout my early twenties. I would become obsessed with the idea of things.  I met someone over the internet during my senior year in high school, a boy.  I met him in person just after my 18th birthday that summer.  To my surprise, for the first time in two years, I felt excited by him in person.   Unfortunately he lived in Florida. I lost interest in him probably within six months after we met, but I was obsessed with the idea of us ending up together despite all odds.  Being stubborn, this horseshit lasted for a couple of years.

I feel bad for saying it was horseshit, but it totally was. By March 2001 I wasn't interested in him at all, and yet we didn't even officially break up until June 2003. I stayed with him out of guilt that I thought was love. I think he stayed with me for the same reason.

I still feel really sad about it, all these years later. We were great friends and the breakup was mean-spirited and awful, like most breakups are. The stress of it caused me to stop eating entirely except for one yogurt every few days. I feel bad for how both of us treated each other, but there is no way to make up for that at all. Even if someone is a wonderful person, they are not always meant to be in your life.  I've learned that over the years with many of my friends, actually.

While we were together there were both boys and girls I was interested in who I hung out with on a regular basis. I even started dating one of the boys, and thought that my obsession with him was love too.  There were also girls I was obsessed with.  But even in 2003 I needed boys and girls to fix self-esteem issues, which is a terrible reason to be with anyone.

I went to therapy in June 2003 to fix those issues and it was super helpful. I remain in therapy to this day, because I still work on knowing what is healthy when it comes to my own judgment.

When I met Greg for the first time since high school and fell in actual love in July/August 2003, I was completely unprepared for what that was like. While I had moments of obsession (old habits die hard), the obsession went away and I got to know him .  There was a peacefulness along with the passion for once.

Unfortunately, my obsession turned to food. Fast food. Horrible-for-you food.  Oh, and sitting on my butt all the time.

I went from 135 lbs to 190 lbs within six months, and by 2007 I was 230 lbs.   I had stage 3 high blood pressure. I had severe asthma. I had severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia.  I was angry all the time and took it out on everyone.  Then my paternal grandparents died within a year of each other and by 2010 I couldn't take being unhappy anymore.

As I've grown, I've accepted many things about myself. I'm slowly accepting my looks and my body as I've lost and gained 50 lbs over and over. I no longer feel like I'm living a lie like I was in high school and college.   As I've gotten more comfortable with who I am and what I like, nutrition is now my biggest food issue.  Nutrition has always been tricky with me and something I will work on for the rest of my life.

I have a feeling that if I could make a few simple changes I can prevent chronic diseases.  A little bit more walking, a little bit more spinach. A little less fast food.

I hope never to be at a point where food becomes an obsession again, but even if it does I hope to identify it as it is happening, or at least in time to prevent any damage.

And I hope to love all people for who they are and not who I want them to be.

Game On Diet Thoughts

The last few days I've been looking at the Game On Diet with scientist goggles.

I haven't read the book, or tried the diet, or anything, so if you care about that then STOP READING.

If you're here for my opinion, then great because I have thinky thoughts.

First, some resources!

• A review of the diet.
• A blog from someone who actually tried the diet.
• One of my oldest, most favorite friends who is logging the types of meals she uses on the diet which has helped her lose tons of weight and has made me totally jealous.
• A local Maryland Game On Team with resources.

Yay!

Positive things: 

If you're more of a grazer than a big meal person, this will work.

If you're really bad at putting together balanced meals, this plan makes that easier.

This plan focuses more on a healthy lifestyle in that it asks you give up soda, asks you not to weigh yourself all the live-long day like a crazy person, and you can get points for just lying there and doing nothing for 7 hours with the lights off.

Negative things:
People who find it hard to eat often probably won't earn those points as easily.  Some people do better just eating once or twice a day, and there's no real evidence that shows eating more frequently actually does anything.  Although I think it would help with blood sugar spikes to have a bit of something every few hours if you're a diabetic or something.

It believes in diet cheese and limits avocados.  However, you do get 100 calories to waste on whatever you want daily, and I would totally just take that as use it to eat more avocado.

It believes in diet cheese.

It believes in diet cheese.

No, seriously, it believes in lowfat cheese which means the cheese is processed.  And yet you can't have sausage.  Or you can, but it's on a no-no list that you can only access in 100 calories a day, one meal a week, or one day a week. But eat all the turkey bacon throughout the day if you want, as long as it's palm sized and five times a day. (Turkey bacon isn't exactly healthy either!) So weird.

Okay, so I don't agree with all of its nutrition stuff. But there's no law saying you have to eat lowfat cheese or turkey bacon.  There are lots of other choices on the list.

It just bothers me from a nutrition standpoint what they deem is or isn't OK to eat.  When you take the fat out of something, something else unhealthy is usually substituted. If you're going to have cheese, have actual cheese, and have less of it.  If you're eating cheese for the concentrated calcium, why not try cooked spinach where you can get other nutrients too?

And Game-On Diet is OK with that.  They want you to eat as much spinach, or other green vegetables, as you can.

Anyway, remember, this is from somebody who spent all day eating waffles out of a box. Ugh, I could have had spinach ... and I could have had it on a pizza that I made from scratch.  Jenny, what are you doing?

Anyway, do you like to be competitive and super organized and social?  Game-On sounds pretty rad to me if you don't let the science of it bother you too much.

Go Liz, go girl, go get your game on!  I am rooting for you! xoxo

Fab Friday, Non Sequiturs, and Not Dying Of Diseases

I'm linking up with Laura because I love her because she's special and makes me happy okay.

I didn't even link up last week so let me catch you readers coming from her blog up with what's been going on with me:

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT HAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE HAAAAAAAAAAPPENED ED ED ED ED:

• I had a stomach bug which is mostly better so I will spare you all from shart jokes, okay.

• I treated my mom to all you can eat crab legs, steamed crabs, and Chinese food all for $15.00.

• I started MyFitnessPal and so far my scale has been going back and forth between 221 lbs and 224 lbs as usual, but at least I know what in the world I'm eating because sometimes I don't pay attention.  I can't exactly complain I am the weight I am when I'm eating more than 2000 calories a day most days and almost none of it is vegetables or fruit.

• I had a two hour workout sesh that felt amazing and I 'd like to do that more often okay.

• I got an eye infection midway through the week that is now almost better.  It's like it got better overnight last night because I woke up with no pain

• I learned a really great sandwich from @REMOVEYOURPANTS who is back on twitter that is vegetarian and super easy to make. She is an encyclopedia of delicious sandwiches and casseroles made from scratch. The last time I linked her though she went on hiatus and having her back is amazing!

• My cat has become less criminal and more snuggly.  She now wakes me up by snuggling with me instead of biting me which I consider progress.  I think it's because she knows I have access to shredded cheese and can get her some if she's good.

• My car insurance rate lowered by $15 a month which is awesome.

• Also, I got a retroactive raise at work, which is even more awesome.

• Even more awesome is that my one coworker is back from being out sick for a month and the new girl is so trained that I think she's better at our job than I am. These are all amazing things!

AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS AAAAAAAANS AAAAANS ANS:

I'm going to add some things to my daily eats that are full of vitamins.  So far I need to get oranges (Vitamin C), avocados (Vitamin K), organic red bell peppers (Vitamins A and C), organic lettuce/spinach (Vitamin A and K), shelled sunflower seeds (Vitamin E), cucumbers (Vitamin K).  And I will probably eat it all in a salad every night.  Or maybe I'll have a salad breakfast.  Or make it into a shake. Or a salad wrap with dressing.

  Oh god.

OH GOD I THINK I JUST EXPLODED FROM EXCITEMENT.  Whatever I eat after that salad wrap every morning is just gravy and will probably involve sandwiches that @REMOVEYOURPANTS tweets (my wrap not one of them because my wrap is probably not delicious). Or popcorn chicken.

I just had this amazing vision of me running on the beach all healthy and muscular while double fisting baskets of my vegetarian breakfast wraps and tossing them to people like, "You get a wrap and you get a wrap and you get a wrap!" but they're like FFFFUUUUUUU because they're laying on their bellies like beached whales trying to get sun poisoning like normal people.

I'll need a bike for that with baskets so I can ride away fast to avoid their beer bottles.

I'll bet that wrap will cure all the cancers.

Wait, can you drink beer on the beach?  I'm assuming you can if you can buy it at the damn gas station downy oshun hon.

I love that effing joke about Baltimore accents so much. <3

What is wrong with me???? What am I doing?  What is going on?

My cat is way more sane than I am.

Tuesday started with a lot of annoyance.  My alarm didn't go off. Thankfully, my cat jumped on me and meowed in my face to wake me up.  

I swear I have the best alarm clock cat in the world.

I had just enough time to throw on some clothes and leave ... only to come right back home an hour later because when I got to the office and looked in the mirror my eye was red, puffy, and gooey.

I came home to get my insurance card, which I spent 15 minutes looking for because I thought I had gotten a new one in the mail, but that was actually Greg's new card after I added him to mine.  

My old one was in my purse the whole time.  Of course it was.

While looking for the card, I misplaced my keys.  Of course I misplaced my keys. By this time I was so deeply annoyed that I was, again, not at work and now misplacing things that I started throwing things all over the house. Because it was effing hot with my coat still on and my eye was itching and burning and I was infecting everything I touched and pretty angry about it, actually.

I emptied the hamper full of things I meant to put away two days ago:

The keys were not there.

And then I went ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH, throwing the hamper where it landed in the kitchen, creating curiosity in our basically un-fazable cat, Annie Granny Pizanties:

That also did not help me find my keys.

And then I started throwing random things on the floor, expecting keys to be under them, and was not successful:

And yeah, all of these things are still there on the floor, even after I took pictures of them for this blog.

The keys, of course, were still in my coat pocket.  Duh.

So now I'm home with pink eye and eye drops because I'm not allowed to be around people, obviously.

And even after all my shannigans and hissy fits, here is my cat, all snuggled up on the couch to keep me company, rubbing against me and trilling and licking herself and rolling around and bopping around like nothing happened.

She's a good kitty.  I can basically be a total jackass and she doesn't care one way or the other.

She'll still jump up on my chest and meow loudly to wake me up tomorrow morning.

The Rocks That I Got

2012 was a year where I had a lot of stones to throw that I never thought I would have to throw.  I do not want 2013 to be the same way.

 

I never wanted to be a stone thrower.  So I held it all in until I would finally break down, crying.  I kept it to myself, and in effect stoned myself until I was too injured to exist.

 

Then one day I woke up and realized I could not keep my eyes closed any longer.  That sometimes words needed to be said and without meaning to, those words will hit hard.

 

So I threw.

 

A stone to you who boss me around like a child.

 

A stone to you who talk behind my back and find me offensive.

 

A stone to you who upsets me so that I leave your house in tears, and I never hear an apology.

 

A stone to you who does not see me as a remarkable person in her own right, but who sees me as the same struggling adolescent I was when you first met me.

 

A stone to you who wishes to oppress others.

 

A stone to you who are in fear of losing the ability to oppress others.

 

So many stones.

 

But once those stones were let loose, I kept coming up for more and more stones.  I wanted to stone everything.  I wanted the world to feel the bruises I did.

 

I see now that is childish. It is childish to want the world to suffer just because you are suffering. 

 

All I wanted was to avoid the stones being thrown in my direction.  

 

We're living, we're breathing beings who are wrong as often as they are right, who aren't perfect, and have a lot to learn.

 

I can't take back my stones, for they are no longer mine.  Nor do I want to.

 

I would like to stop throwing them now.

 

I want all of us to stop throwing.

 

I want us to stop.

 

I look around and all I can see are stones and where they landed, guarding, guarding, and keeping things from growing, keeping people from joining together, and stifling creativity and joy.

 

I do not have to throw stones to be heard. I can create words and exchange words and let them lie. I can create a life for myself without hate and throw a little beauty in it.

 

I am my own library and you may borrow what you will. It is up to you what you do with what you find.

Once upon a time I had a LiveJournal and very bad judgment.

HI BLOGS!  How are you!  I am in my bed and my cat thinks she's a dog.  I am SERIOUS.  You know how dogs have that special spot on their bodies, like somewhere on their belly or their chest or their doggie butts, that if you rub it their legs weaken and go crazy and start dancing?

My cat has a spot!

I didn't know cats could have a spot where their legs go crazy!

And that's why I think my cat is a dog.

So last week I had days where all I ate was toast because I wasn't feeling well and then afterwards I binged on Pizza Hut stuffed crusts and things and I was like, "Whatever, I'm never going to lose this weight because pizza is delicious."

And then people were adding my old account on MyFitnessPal as a friend and I was like, "Oh no!" See, I was on MyFitnessPal last year and as soon as I joined it I was in a car accident and hurt my spine.  So I just saw massive weight gain.  Plus I had a falling out with my former best friend and really had no desire to go back on there and see her succeed at anything.

So I've made a new account and even though I'm pigging out on Chex Mix and Ben & Jerry's and still drinking soda, just the fact I'm writing down food has already made a difference, as of today I weigh less than I did before Christmas.  Yes!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Isn't that something?  Yes!  Yes it is!

The thing about MyFitnessPal is that if you get all obsessive about it it's not enjoyable.

I know all about being obsessive.

Once upon a time, guys ... I was thin.  Like, underweight thin.

OH NO!

Except I don't have any photos of me at my thinnest (size 6) because all I did was drink Diet Mountain Dew and wish I was dead because it was after a break-up in May 2003. All I have is a tiny LiveJournal Icon blurred out nude of me with stupid words on it that totally did not describe me at all because I was not comfortable in my own skin at all. I looked good on the outside but on the inside I was a freaking mess.

Anyway, that's me, with my arm covering my naughty bits and blurred out so you can't see my ribs or hipbones anything.  But yeah, sort of nude. But you can't see anything so who cares? Because at that point I was hoping LiveJournal would get me laid or my boyfriend back or something. It did not.  But I was wearing size 6 skirts at this point because I wasn't really doing so much ... eating solid food.

I also had no car and walked everywhere for 4 hours a day until the break-up.

I was starting to look porn star good though OMG. (And since I had no life goals anymore besides suicidal crack whore, I had that in my favor!) I had no belly fat and a little muscle definition and it was amazing.  It wasn't anorexia as much as, like, grief starvation.  I had planned my life to run away and live in Florida with a boy and then chickened out and we broke up.  So I no longer really had a life plan and just had a cup of yogurt every three days for a month and laid in my bed and cried until my mom got me a therapist and I gained ten pounds in a month and by July 2003 I was back to a size 10 and dating my husband and whatever.

I do have some photos of me at size 10 in high school where I liked to go running and allowed myself yogurt, juice, raw and sauteed vegetables, and a sensible dinner though!

So much less belly at size 6 though!  Oh well.  

So anyway, every time I've ever been thin ever I was successful for a few reasons:

• I got off of my butt and moved.
• I laid off of flour.
• I ate a lot of raw fruits and vegetables or drank a lot of juice.
• I allowed myself to have one plate of dinner.
• I carried food with me like lettuce or peppers or meals to eat with me throughout the day in little plastic baggies.
• I wrote down what I ate, even if it had a ton of calories in it.
• I did not worry about calories.
• I ate really slow and stopped when I was full.
• I did all of this regardless of whatever else was going on in my life.

I've learned over the years that calories aren't that big a deal. The best I've ever felt was when I did not have soda, I did not eat candy, and I did not eat fake "sugar-free" food that would taste better with real sugar in it. I eat aspartame when I'm dead and need the formaldehyde, thanks.

With MyFitnessPal, they have you counting calories and tracking exercise to give you more calories and honestly?  When I tried doing that it made me feel really crappy.  I do much better if I just log my food and not try to be perfect.

What I like about MyFitnessPal is that I can see what other people are eating and how much weight they're losing in a news feed where I can leave irreverent comments like this:

Right now I'm a size 18/20 and really?  If I lose weight, that's fine.  I'm just trying to not die from chronic illnesses that happen when you live on Cheetos and sit on your couch.  But if I do happen to get back down to a size 10 and see that bug on my ticker go all the way down, you bet your ass I'm getting my picture taken with clothes on.  I'm a married woman now!

I'M DOING IT RIGHT ... Honest!

I've already blogged this morning about how I felt yesterday and much of today. I started feeling better this afternoon and here are my accomplishments today!

• I fed the cat!

• I did several loads of laundry!

• I reorganized our coat closet!

• I picked stuff off of the floor!

• This is my second blog today!

• I enjoyed lighting one of the candles I got for Christmas from Greg!

The laundry is a big deal.  I got out of the habit of doing laundry for years because when we lived at the old place we had no access to clean, safe, working laundry machines.  So Greg just took our things to his parents' house, and then it was my job to put them away.  But by then everything was kind of wrinkled and meh, so I just let them stay in laundry baskets and put dirty laundry on the floor in green trash bags for next week. 

Most of my clothes are in boxes from the move and while I have a little rotation of outfits for work and pajamas, I really need to wash my things and find places for them.  So I'm starting that process ... uh... almost a year after I moved.  Oops.

The coat closet is a big deal too. It was supposed to be our Christmas closet ... but Verizon decided it was our FIOS closet instead and made me move everything out of it as I was still unpacking and deciding where things go.  So it became our throw crap in the closet closet when company comes, which isn't very cool.  So I took everything out of it and rearranged it so you can walk in and hang up your coat even though there is FIOS equipment, Christmas bins, flip flop bins, and shelving for Greg's thirty pairs of shoes, most of them checked Vans, one of them being custom Super Mario Bros shoes I bought him off of Etsy.  We also keep our vacuum cleaner in there, and I can still walk in there and shut the door.  So much better than when I couldn't even shut the door because the shoes were flowing out of it. 

I didn't get to run this week and I hope to do that sometime this weekend. 

I'm linking up with James & Jax ... because I can! AND SO CAN YOU!

I'M SICK OKAY GOSH

No blog yesterday or today because I've had the sick the last few days.  Bleeeeech!

I don't know how you girls DO IT ... blog ... all the days?  Like every, every, every day?

All I've been doing the last two days is icing my eye because I have some disgusting zit on it that morphed into a giant lump on my eyebrow, and now I look like a lumpy eyed freak.  You know, in between visits to the bathroom and the washing machine to clean everything I've stunk up because ew.

You're welcome for a dozen gross images.  I live to disgust.

If I poll my audience of, like, two or three, I'm sure the first thing on their list is, "POST MORE ABOUT POOP, BLOOD, AND GUTS!"

I'm all about content, you guys!  I live to help you get to that place where sipping on your delicious Starbucks beverage and eating something with delicious cheese on it starts to sound like a really bad idea because soon your stomach will sting and roll with the heat of panic and sick and ...

Hey, where did everybody go?

Is it normal to be in a bad mood for five hours a day?

I have my first therapy appointment this year and I keep imagining myself standing up to her and saying, "I like myself the way that I am and I don't need fixing!" and walking out.

My cat is all, "Work it!"

 

Thing is, I'll bet she'd respond, "You don't think I know that?  The question is, do you know that?"

 

Am I experiencing difficulty sometimes?  Yes.  But I've come up with ways for coping.  Like at work, I cannot concentrate at all with the hustle, the bustle, the yammering, the radios, the gum chewing and snapping, and all of the gossip that people feel the need to share with me.  So I wear my headphones.  All the time.  I worry sometimes if I'm being rude, but you know what?  Why aren't the other people worried they're being rude with all of their yammering and chattering and mouth noises?  People are worried they'll startle me if they come to my desk, but hey, it happens.  And I have not missed any phone calls and even if I do, I have voice mail.  And email for that matter.

 

There is this one busy-body in our office who is frequently up my butt about those kinds of things, but I have to realize that there's no need to let her get to me.  She's not my dad. (Hi Dad!  You have no internet and I don't know your phone number! Mine is still the same!  Call me!)

 

I find that now that I've moved to a quieter neighborhood and wear the headphones at work, when I am out in public I'm a lot less nasty.  I can handle the crowds and the noise and be a little bit patient.

 

Also helping is the use of relaxation tapes.  That way I can get to a point once a day where I don't want to smack someone in the head for the fun of it.

 

Between the hours of 10am-3pm, I'm usually in a pretty stinky mood though.  Is that normal?

Zooey Deschanel herself on the other hand ...

I love her.

I don't care if you hate her.

I unashamedly love her.  

I think she's pretty and smart and can work sarcasm and false eyelashes like a pro.

So there!

edit: So I totally made that graphic on a sick day in early January and posted it on Pinterest where it's been repinned almost daily since then.  That makes me so happy :) Just took a photo from the photoshoot where the interview was had and put the best quote from the interview on it. I love that quote so much!  Zooey is the best.

Who's that girl? NOT JESS!

I hear a lot that I'm like Zooey Deschanel's Jess on The New Girl.

I don't think so!  I don't see it!  And, I'm kind of offended.

There are some similarities.  While I really would rather die than dress up on a daily basis, when I do get around to dressing up I like to have fun with it. I'll "rock a lot of polka dots." I'll tease that hair and acquire some sixties-ness. As someone who has ADHD, I am prone to having a lack of physical grace, lending to situations where I trip and fall for no reason. There are a lot of ways that I'd like to be self-sufficient but need help with that might be considered cute but to me are embarrassing and unacceptable. Also I'm a white brunette with blue green eyes.  I'm also a lovable goofball who people call weird who dances and sings uncontrollably (ADHD, guys.) And if I'm in a really good mood, I can out "bubbly" anybody and am like a child excited for Christmas day.

But there are a whole lot of ways that I'm different.

• I really like saying the word fuck and I laugh at fart jokes, when Jess spent an episode not being able to say the word penis. 

• I don't like crafting! Nope!  And trying to do so leads to me saying the word FUCK. A lot!

• I'm not a teacher. While I think kids are cute, I would not like to work with them on a regular basis beyond protecting them from neglect and abuse.

• I would be attracted to Winston or Schmidt over Nick. I might have a crush on Nick, but I'd probably set him up with people or watch Family Guy with him, where as I'd pine for a Schmidt.

• I'd probably punch out anybody who attempts to "fix" me. I am not an appliance!

• I'm overweight.  Pizza is my favorite!

• I have chronic depression and find myself being a Nick more often than a Jess.  I am actually quite similar to a Grumpy Cat character.  I've actually had people in my own family and people I'm around on a regular basis accuse me of being one the nastiest people they've ever met, due to my really bad habit at losing my shit in an aggressive and heartless manner from time to time.  I can be quite cruel, cold, and blunt.  It's taken a lot of therapy to rein that in.

• I've basically been on my own since 18 or 19 years old.  I'm not a child. As I've gotten older and fallen in love and have gotten lazy, I DO have a tendency to regress. However, when all of my friends were still living at home in their parents' basement after high school, I was braving a four hour commute to both go to work and school and pay bills. That's not something childish people do.

It really irks me to be compared to Jess day and then see that a majority of people really wish she wasn't on the show.  I'm hoping these people are my friends because they can see the whole me, and not just the me that happens when I wear a dress for the first time in two months and it has polka dots on it and I'm actually out of the house.

But if you've said I'm like Jess, I still love you. Why?  The New Girl is my favorite show and the fact that you're comparing me to this character means you've obviously watched it once or twice.

THE FABBEST FRIDAY EVER!

I'm linking up with Laura at The Everyday Joys to update you on my week!

The Joy of Running. Yes, the JOY of Running.

 

Since hurting my back last July in a car accident I haven't able to run.  This has changed! I'm starting again in fits and starts.  I did a 16-minute pyramid walk on Wednesday and at the top of the pyramid I sprinted as fast as I could for a full minute.  I laughed and cried at the relief of it.  I felt such joy in the movement.  I experienced minimal soreness afterwards in my hips and muscles.

 

I also ran slowly the day before Christmas in the ice in a disorganized manner to Arcade Fire's Funeral Album, which I have come to find has a great steady beat that lends itself for some crazy interval running/jogging.  Power Out continues to be my favorite for this.  It has an amazing fluttering of the guitar strings to move your legs to in a sprint, and a strong steady beat if you prefer to jog or even just walk with attitude during it. And then when the violin starts in with its devilish screeching eerie adrenaline, I sprint like I'm running for my life.  It's fun as hell. 

 

I was able to run and jog for about a half hour Christmas Eve.  That was my first time since the accident I had done anything like that, and the first time I've ever run in any sort of bad weather.  I was in so much pain for a week, so that's why I started out slow this week. I continue to waiver this week between 222 lbs and 224 lbs, so that's a lot more weight I am carrying now than the last time I was able to run.

 

Except for the change in my face when I gain weight and some discomfort from tight clothes, I don't care that I'm fat.  I mean, we all get those insecure days where you're poking at your stomach like, "REALLY STOMACH? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" but most of the time the thing I hate the most about gaining weight is when it impedes my movement.  I'm someone who used to dance, so if my workout is a dance workout and I can't achieve the lines and angles that the dancers I see dancing can achieve, I get frustrated. I don't like my fat getting in the way of me doing what I want to do.

 

I will welcome any weight loss that comes my way, but honestly?  I want to see gains in strength, endurance, and agility. And when I'm running like a fool thinking I'm going to pass out and die and yet feeling exhilarated at how much I'm accomplishing,  I want to live in the moment without worrying about injury.  I don't want to even wonder or imagine injury. 

 

New Years' Resolution Update

 

My only New Years' Resolution is to cook more often.  And I did! I made a breakfast casserole!  It looks like this:

 

 

Here are the steps I took to make this sucker.

 

1. Fry up 20oz of sausage and try not to eat it while it cools down.

 

2. Pick up the cat that has now jumped on the table to sniff the sausage hiding under some paper towels and put her down on the floor.

 

3. Bake some high class bacon and save at least 6 strips for the casserole. (I made bacon sandwiches with the leftover bacon.)

 

4. Pour your bacon grease into a container so you can feel like you've made your own butter and feel all sanctimonious and pinteresting and frugal until you realize it is stinking up the fridge three days later and toss it.

 

4. Crack nine eggs in a really big bowl and pound them into a solid color of yellow goo.

 

5. Toast three slices of toast and cube them and toss them in there.

 

6. Add three cups of half and half and 2 cups of cheddar cheese.

 

7. Crumble all your sausage and realize that you used links and that you'll actually have to slice them into tiny sausage balls.  Dump them in the bowl.

 

8. Crumble your bacon and dump into the bowl.

 

9. Freak out that your bowl actually wasn't big enough and get out a bigger bowl to pour all this junk in.

 

10. Get excited that you found a bigger bowl and combine everything.

 

11. Realize you forgot to preheat your oven and wait for the temperature to rise to 350 F.

 

12. Pour everything in the bowl in your 9x13 glass casserole dish.

 

13. Suddenly remember you wanted it to marinate in the fridge over night and turn off the oven.

 

14. Cover the casserole dish and place it gently in the fridge and go sit down and drink something delicious, putting your feet up.

 

15. Feel accomplished.

 

16. Freak out because you forgot to put dijon mustard in the casserole like the recipe called for.

 

17. Shrug and decide to substitute a crap ton of basil.

 

18. Sit back down and relax .

 

19. Wake up in the middle of the night and realize that you forgot to grease your casserole dish.

 

20. Wake up every hour on the hour because in the midst of this you also forgot to feed that cat and now she's kneading your chest bones every hour for twenty minutes.  It's her way of doing cat CPR to call your attention to why you're horrible at everything and do not deserve sleep.

 

21. Wake up bleary eyed and bake the thing on 350F degrees for an hour anyway after feeding the cat. 

 

22. Panic as you notice the crust turns brown and wonder if that means the casserole is burning.

 

23. Google "I forgot to grease the baking dish" and after 30 or so results realize it will be fine.

 

24. Fall back to sleep for five minutes.

 

25. Casserole is ready! Cut it while it's hot and feel smug that you made food in less than 30 steps. I KNOW.

THEY DID IT!!!

So in November I was honored to be asked to play a role in the wedding of my close friends Joey and Kenny.  The first part of my duties was finished yesterday as I helped them get legally married by taking some photos and wearing a ridiculous dress (that I've been dying to wear as I bought it back in 2007 and finally got a decent crinoline to wear under it last year but just haven't had an occasion to try it out.)  And then I signed my name.

 

I'm pretty sure I took this photo.  I have no idea.

 

Sometime later this year they will have a beautiful wedding which I will also hopefully take part in and everybody is so excited about this.  My heart felt so full yesterday.  I feel like now it really is 2013, that Joey and Kenny secured the love of their lives legally yesterday and that everything is going to be OK.

 

This is everything I wanted for my friends, for them to have the same legal rights to their spouse as I do to mine.

<3

Dear 20 Year Old Me,

I just cracked open a journal entry I wrote ten years ago today.  And I have some words for 20 Year Old Me!

Dear 20 Year Old Me,

I scoff at you at first.  I don't know why I'm embarrassed for you.  I just am.

And then I realize, it was OK to be excited for the things you were excited about. New hair, major weight loss, learning new things. And I realized I'm never going to learn what I need to learn from you and move on from the pain of the past if I scoff at you off the bat.

I'm sorry, 20 Year Old Me, for scoffing that you found your g-spot in one breath and then say you found Jesus Christ in another.  Both are super private things to you--sex and prayer are mutually private things for you.  You don't do either publicly.

I'm happy to report that I retained many of the lessons you learned. I'm still skeptical at cell phones ... nobody needs to have access to me all the time.  I'm a woman of mystery, g-spots and all!

So it's OK, 20 Year Old Me, that you clumsily spill your soul for everyone to see. I want to let my light shine like you used to, but without shame.  I feel so much shame nowadays just for being myself that it cripples me, I discover.

Through you I located a lifetime resolution to feel less ashamed, to use the pre-frontal cortex that you lacked back then for good, not for evil self-loathing. It's good to have judgment, but there's no need to constantly side-eye myself or to take other people's side-eyeing to heart each and every single time.