OH NO SCHOOL STARTS SOON. HELP! OH HELP!

Hi, I have anxiety disorder and have had it my whole life because apparently I'm reincarnated from Wade the Duck from Garfield and friends.

I like talking about it on social media and through blogging because I feel like our society thinks mental health issues are a big taboo when most of the time they're a pretty common thing and I get tired of acting like my anxiety disorder is a big damned secret or even that big of a deal.

Even among my friends supporting me and cheering me on, even with it being my goal, even with all of my determination, last night I had a meltdown.

Most of this week I've done a lot of preparation.  I've streamlined my morning routine so I'm out the door on time with makeup on (!) hair styled, and fruit to take with me. I've been to the store each afternoon to pick up things I'm probably going to need throughout the semester. I've begun walking at work so when I'm home that's one less thing I have to worry about.

Well last night I left the damn macaroni salad at the store and it was oddly this which sent me over the edge into a full meltdown.

My anxieties about school are at full speed.  Of course they are.  I have anxiety disorder and maybe a little bit OCD (not the cleany bug kind) and it is unmedicated because when I medicate my anxiety I fall into depressions ... even when I medicate it with anti-depressants. And when I medicate my ADHD I get anxiety.  And when they mis-diagnose it as bipolar disorder (because holy shit psychiatrists think everyone has bipolar disorder and ADHD) and attempt to medicate that, I sleep all the time and feel like a drugged mess. So I go around driving myself nuts all the time and it is wicked awesome, you know, having your mind constantly racing with negative thoughts worried you're actually a psycho murderer or a child abuser or a toxic person to be around (I'm none of these things, anxiety disorder, so why are we worrying) and feeling a ton of guilt for no reason at all.

Anyway, school. I just don't feel like studying at night!  I haven't even been able to keep up with my orientation class. 

And my life is still not exactly a well-oiled machine of efficiency. Our floors need cleaning. The counter tops are a travesty. My room continues to be quite awful.  And now it's just going to get worse with school, I know it.

My dad hasn't so much as called me since I called him in June 2011 to tell him my grandmother was recovering from a stroke. I haven't seen my parents since just before my stepdad's father passed two weeks ago which was the saddest thing ever, and I haven't seen my poor stepdad since Valentine's Day when he drove over from his job to give me a Valentine's Day card from him and my mom. And I just feel bad about all of that which is just dumb.

I'm worried about what Relay for Life is going to be like because I last did it in 2011 and really, really, really hated it.  I mean REALLY HATED IT and then last year when I wanted to go to show support for my friends who worked so hard, I smashed my toe and sprained it and split the toenail and couldn't even drive there. And I know it's going to be fun for the few hours I'm there this year, but because my church is sponsoring it I'm worried they're going to want to talk religion with me when I lean far more towards agnostic these days and THAT is driving me nuts. Like, I don't want them to be mad at me or want them to think I'm challenging their beliefs or feel threatened by me in any way
whatsoever.

And when I come home from work each day, most of that day wasted in fear that someone is going to snap their gum in my damned ear (which everyone I sit around loves to do for some reason and it sends me straight into a panic attack), I'm so exhausted from that and my actual job that I just want to lay down and sleep.  And play on Facebook. And make sure my friends are OK on Twitter. And look up better ideas to fix my life. And listen to the birds chirping outside and the breeze rustling the leaves in the backyard.

My brain has been twirling around and around until it finally became too dizzy to function and broke over leaving macaroni salad at the store.

So I was crying over my missing macaroni salad and I eventually fried up my mushrooms and I remembered how freaking miraculous fried white button mushrooms are in curing cancer.  And as I hate-watched Glee (GOD EVERY EPISODE IS WORSE THAN THE LAST, DAMN MY CRUSHES ON EVERY SINGLE CAST MEMBER) and realized how much time I waste on watching that boring terrible train wreck show with horrible writing that somehow got renewed for two more seasons while other fantastic shows with better ratings whose writers did not completely ruin its storylines and characters were canceled, I realized it's not the end of the damned world.

Life is what you make it.  I may have made yesterday evening a mess of tears for no reason, but tonight might be delicious.  Who knows, I might enjoy school.  Why is it something to fear and dread?  Why are all the things I enjoy filled with fear and dread all the time?

Maybe one day I'll be a clearer, more concise writer so some of this crap I'm putting down in this blog makes a lick of sense. 

I'm going to end this post with a FAB Friday to point out the positive parts of this entry!

*In an amazing attempt at procrastination, I learned last night how to trim my lady parts. Not THOSE lady parts, but the girly sideburns you get when you put your hair up in a sock bun.

*I have amazing cheerleaders in my Facebook and Twitter friends and I want to round them up and do a flash mob with them.

*Mushrooms are way healthier than macaroni salad.

*I have streamlined my sunblock/foundation/powder/blush/mascara/eyeshadow/lipstick routine to ten minutes.

*I continue to wash my face with honey and it works about as well as any soap.  It hasn't cured my acne or anything, but my face doesn't feel super dry after using it.

* I realize my anxieties are pretty dumb and lame and not really based in reality.

*I get to live somewhere with constant birdsong and peace and quiet.

*Mushrooms, which I can have even with my acid reflux, unlike peppers and onions and tomatoes, are every bit as healthy as vegetables are.  Pretty fly for a fungi.

*The terrible writing of Glee makes me realize how dumb my anxieties are, so at least hate-watching Glee has a purpose.

*I am progressively improving my walking/running speed.  I can now make it around the track twice in the same amount of time I was making around the track 1.5 times last week. 

I have a big weekend ahead of me with a wedding and a play to attend and it's going to be sunny!  That should be part of the list but it's not because I'm not really sure how to end this post and it seems weird ending it with a list.

Okay bye!